Official Fanfiction University ASFES
by katzsoa
Summary: DISCONTINUED
1. In Which We Decide We Need a School

"At the risk of sounding clichéd, I'm sure that none of you know why you're here," Agent Alix said, smirking as she turned to face the small group that was in the chamber with her.

"Why are we here?" the Curiosity Core asked, its wide orange eye spinning, trying to take in everything as it voiced what was definitely going through everyone's head. "Who are you? Why are _you _here?"

"I'm Agent Alix, Freelance Plot Protector," the relatively short yet oddly intimidating girl introduced herself, placing her hands on her hips and tossing her dark, braided hair importantly. "And believe me, _yours_ is a plot that needs protecting."

This statement spurred a slew of comments from the gathered AIs.

"P-Protecting?" Wheatley stammered. "Protecting from what? I don't— we're not in trouble, are we? Ohh, that doesn't sound good, mate…"

"Protection from _you_, most likely," GLaDOS sneered, turning her head to face him. "How did you get back in here anyway, moron?"

"I am not a moron!"

"If it's protectin' you're needin', you just had to ask me, hun!" Rick said to the PPC Agent. "Handlin' danger's what I do best!"

"Fact: The Adventure Core has never protected anyone."

"Shut up, you little pink-eyed—"

The end of Rick's comeback was drowned out by ATLAS and P-body's nervous chattering and the Anger Core's growling.

"Where's space? Whathappenedtospace? Space? Space! Gottagoback! Gottagotospace!" the Space Core jabbered to the Intelligence Core, which ignored it with a gloomy "Three slash four cups butter or margarine…"

Only three members of the Agent's audience were silent: Chell, who was sitting cross-legged on the floor, the Morality Core, which was in the middle of the other cores clustered beneath GLaDOS, and the Oracle Turret, which was standing beside Chell. Alix herself was quietly watching, not sure whether to be annoyed or amused at the chaos.

"What I _still _want to know is _why we are here_," GLaDOS said, raising her voice above the general rabble. "And why I shouldn't just turn on the deadly neurotoxin right now."

"Don't bother with that," Alix said, calmly studying her fingernails. "My partner's probably disabled it by now, anyway."

Everyone fell into a shocked silence.

"You _what?_" GLaDOS snarled.

"It was just so that you wouldn't kill us before we got our point across!" Alix said. "You'll get it back, don't worry."

"What _is _your point?" Curiosity asked.

Alix looked up from her fingers. "I don't suppose you're familiar with the concept of fanfiction?"

There was a silence. Then, everyone who was capable of doing so nodded as they realized that they did in fact know about fanfiction.

"Fanfiction… Those are the stories, right? The stories our fans write about us," said Wheatley.

"Yes, moron, it is," said GLaDOS. "And those supposed 'fans' usually get the facts horribly wrong."

"Granted, fanfics can be fun and entertaining," said Alix. "But there has been a recent explosion of bad Portal fanfiction. Writers using bad spelling and grammar, assuming absolutely _ridiculous _things about your universe, and making you do things that you either can't or shouldn't do. They're not thought out and they're badly written. And they're _painful _to read," she added with a shudder.

"Fact: Ninety percent of fanfiction writers are immature adolescents," said the Fact Core. "Thirty-two percent of Portal fanfiction involves Mary Sues. Sixty percent of Portal fanfiction involves the characters behaving in foolish, humorous ways. Forty-seven percent of Portal fanfiction is made up of sappy romances, usually either about Chell and Wheatley or Chell and GLaDOS."

"Say _what?_" Wheatley gasped.

"Oh, you are _kidding _me," GLaDOS muttered.

Chell sat up straight, her eyes wide with shock.

"Fact: Eighty-three percent of statistics are made up on the spot," Alix added. "But he has a point."

"What are we going to do about it?" Curiosity asked.

"Antisthenes once said that the most useful piece of learning for the uses of life is to unlearn what is untrue," the Oracle Turret suddenly spoke up. All eyes turned to the "different" turret.

"Oracle's right," said Alix. "The best way to fix the fanfiction is to go to the source: the writers. We will bring them here and teach them how to write well. And we can torture them if we really want to."

"More test subjects would be nice," GLaDOS mused.

Other mutterings of approval moved from AI to AI. Chell nodded, a determined look in her eyes.

The door to the chamber opened, and in came another girl. She looked a lot like Agent Alix, except that she was taller and her hair was not braided. She was cradling something large and oddly shaped in her arms.

"Ah, Katz!" Alix said as the girl approached her. "Everyone, this is my partner, Agent Katz."

"Alix," Katz said in a softer voice than the one her partner used. "Look what I found. It was wandering around near the neurotoxin generator."

She held out the object in her arms. Everyone stared at what appeared to be two turrets and a cube smashed together. It chirped nervously, feebly waving its two legs as it stared back with wide eyes.

"Ah, one of the moron's creations," GLaDOS said. "I thought I'd destroyed them all."

"It… It had been a good idea, you know, at the time, since I didn't have any test subjects…" Wheatley weakly protested. Seeing the helpless, terrified little creature was unnerving everyone.

"And you brought it up here why?" Alix asked her partner. "Go take it back; it's creepy."

"Alix, its name is GLADES."

Alix's eyes widened with horror. The Freelance Agents stared at each other for several silent moments. The characters waited for one of them to explain.

"We need to open the school," Alix finally said. "_Now._"

* * *

><p>Alysen Allison finished typing and sat back, feeling satisfied. Chapter one of her new epic fanfic was complete. The Princess Sunshine of the Ohio Tribe had been welcomed into the Aperture Science facility and started testing. GLaDOS was so happy with Sunshine's performance in the tutorials that she'd skipped her ahead to Test Chamber 6, which was the first really exciting one. <em>And <em>she'd replaced the ugly orange jumpsuit with a pink, sparkly one. _Much _better.

She had most of the story planned out already…but she wasn't sure how to end it. Would Sunshine talk GLaDOS out of murdering her, or just kill her and escape? She'd decide once she got there.

Alysen logged in to the fanfiction site and uploaded her chapter. Then she clicked NEW STORY. Or thought she did; she had opened her inbox by mistake. Weird. She was sure she—

She had a new message. She decided to read it after she posted her story, and clicked NEW STORY again. And somehow opened the message.

The webcam on her laptop turned itself on, and the light next to it was bright red. "Hello," said the laptop, in a breathy voice Alysen thought she recognized. "You are hereby charged by Plot Protectors with the creation of a Mary Sue. As punishment, you will spend the next eight weeks at the Aperture Science Fanfiction Enrichment Seminar. Please read the printed message and return the form."

_The what?_ Alysen thought. What was her computer doing? She scooted her chair back.

"Are you still there?" quavered the laptop. Alysen suddenly knew what the voice was, and wondered bizarrely if it would stop if she dropped the computer. The red light from the webcam shone on the table, played across the floor to her feet… "There you are!"

Alysen backed away again. "Fill out the form, without performing internet searches, and return it," the laptop said, "and I will not shoot you."

She had just been threatened. By a turret. That was inside her laptop. And would shoot her, if she didn't answer the email. Alysen scooted back up and started reading as fast as she could.

_Greetings, test subject. Thank you for accepting your invitation to participate in the Aperture Science Fanfiction Enrichment Seminar. (Not that you had a choice.) Before you join us, however, there are a few things we need to take care of. Please answer the following honestly. Dishonest answers will result in an unsatisfactory mark on your testing record, followed by death._

_You as a student_

_Name_ Alysen Allison

_Age_ 15

_Gender_ Female

_Physical description_ Petite, black curly hair, brown eyes, glasses

_Shoe size_ 7 ½

_How would your friends describe you?_ Sweet, peppy

_How would your enemies describe you?_ I don't have enemies. Hmph.

_Do you have any fears or allergies that we should know about?_ spiders… *shudder*

_Have you been to an OFU before?_ What's an ofu?

_Name ONE luxury item to bring with you._ My laptop

_How do you feel about wearing orange?_ Ew.

_You as a writer_

_Why do you write Portal fanfiction?_ For science. You monster.

_Who is your favorite character?_ The portal gun

_What pairings do you write, if any, and why?_ People write pairings?

_Do you write human-transformation fics?_ Hmm…thanks for the idea!

_If yes, which cores do you portray as female?_ Let's see…Curiosity and Morality sound like girls.

_Have you ever created a Mary Sue/Gary Stu/godmoding character?_ Who's Mary?

_What ratings do you usually give your stories? (K, K+, T, M)_ T

_What genres do you usually write?_ Adventure

_Do you write Portal crossovers?_ Another great idea!

_If yes, what fandoms do you cross with?_ Gotta think about that now…

_You and the canon_

_Have you played Portal and Portal 2 to completion?_ The first one and part of the second.

_Have you read Lab Rat?_ What's that?

_What aspect of Chell makes her most able to defeat GLaDOS?_ Um…she's fast?

_What famous thought experiment is it implied that GLaDOS attempts to recreate?_ Wait, what?

_Describe the first Rattmann Den in the first game:_

_-In which test chamber does it appear? Please give a number. _Um…13?

_-What new challenge is introduced in that test chamber? _Turrets!

_-What initially prevents you from entering the Den? _Weren't there cubes in the way, that you need to kill the turrets with?

_-What phrase is repeatedly written on the wall? _THE CAKE IS A LIE THE CAKE IS A LIE THE CAKE IS A LIE

_Up to what temperature can Aperture Science technology continue to operate? _That was mentioned?

_What visual feature makes the Companion Cube unique? _Oh! Oh! It has little hearts on it!

_What shape is an Edgeless Safety Cube? _That's stupid. Cubes without edges?

_Match these eye colors to their corresponding cores: purple, red, green, pink, orange. _Morality was purple, Anger was red. There wasn't a green one, but pink sounds cute! And there was definitely an orange one. Ew, orange.

_When in the game is Chell's name used? _Um…at the end of the second one.

_How does Rattmann make killing turrets easier? _He draws X's on the ceiling!

_How long has Chell been in Extended Relaxation when Wheatley wakes her up at the start of Portal 2? _How am I supposed to know?

_What is Wheatley's official title? _He has a title?

_What happened to Cave Johnson and his assistant? _Who… Oh, was that the guy who talked about the lemons? He had an assistant?

_What item does Chell have with her at the end of Portal 2? _The portal gun?

_What do you discover at the end of the Cooperative Testing Courses? _Cooperative Testing?

_By signing this waiver, I hereby release Aperture Science from all liability regarding injury to me over the course of, or resulting from, this eight-week seminar. Any such injury, up to and including death, will be regarded as essential to the pursuit of science and to enriching my Portal-related writing._

_Participant Signature x_Alysen Allison__

_Thank you for helping us help you help us all._

Alysen copied the form, with her answers, into a new message and sent it. "Good night," her laptop whispered, and then it shut itself down. Alysen closed it and went upstairs, wondering whether she should tell someone that her laptop tried to kill her. But everyone else was already asleep.

* * *

><p>"Oracle?" Agent Alix said, leaning back in her chair in an office many miles away from the slightly traumatized student-to-be.<p>

"Yes?"

"That was brilliant."

"Thank you."

* * *

><p><strong>Hey, everyone! This OFU fic will be co-written by katzsoa (me) and fellow author Alix Cohen, but it will all be posted here!<strong>

**Registration for main characters is now CLOSED. Thank you for your applications. HOWEVER, if you would like to have a cameo character appear, please PM a name, gender, favorite character, and personality quirk to me or Alix.**

**Keep in mind that this will be first and foremost a **_**funny**_** fic about crazy fanfic writers, so don't expect anything to be taken **_**too **_**seriously.**

**Except canon. Alix and I take canon **_**very **_**seriously, as the students will quickly find out... But more about that later!**


	2. In Which Wheatley's Attacked by a Bokken

**Hey, everyone! Thanks so much for all the applications. We got so many, so quickly…too many, in fact. So we're not going to use everyone. I hope that you all stick around and read anyway, even if your student isn't here!**

* * *

><p>The Frankenturret pushed its legs forward, and then it heaved its cube side off of the ground, managing a short hop. It repeated the procedure, awkwardly and laboriously creeping forward, inching closer and closer to the empty elevator shaft in front of it.<p>

Just before it managed to shove itself over the edge, gentle but firm hands reached out and grabbed it by the cube.

"That won't solve anything, turrent," Katz whispered, ignoring the robot's chirping protests as she pulled it away from the likely fatal drop. She carefully flipped it onto its back, so that it couldn't get away and try again.

"How hard is it, really, to spell 'turret' correctly?" the Freelance Agent mused, watching it wave its legs frantically, trying to right itself. "No wonder you're so desperate…"

She placed a hand on one of its heads, one which wasn't covered by the usual white plating. It chirped at her, eyes pleading.

"No, turrent," said Katz. "Everything will be all right, I promise."

A mechanical whirring caught her attention, and as she looked up at the ceiling, she saw Wheatley hurrying past on the Management Rail, muttering to himself.

"…what a ridiculous concept! As if I'd ever want to be a smelly—Oh, hello," he changed topic mid-sentence upon noticing the girl below. "I, um, I _wasn't _about to call humans smelly, 'course not, I wouldn't do that…"

"Aren't you supposed to be waking up the test subjects?" Katz asked. "Where have you been all morning, anyway?"

"Oh, um, nowhere. And I was literally just heading towards the Relaxation Center—"

"Where have you been?" Katz calmly repeated her question, idly stroking turrent as she continued to stare up at the blue-eyed personality construct.

Wheatley hesitated.

"Looking up Portal fanfiction with Curiosity," he finally admitted.

"You were looking up fanfiction…with Curiosity…" Katz repeated, practically able to feel the cold dread seeping through her veins.

"Well, I wanted to see what people had actually written about us, since I've never gotten the chance to really read anything, and Curiosity wanted to see, too, you know, it wants to know everything, and it was…informational…I guess…so we'd know what we're up against…"

He trailed off, noticing that Katz was still silently staring at him with an oddly calm gaze.

"It seemed like a good idea…" he mumbled in his defense.

Katz patted turrent on the head and stood up, lessening the distance between them.

"Wheatley, you're an Intelligence Dampening Sphere, right?" she asked.

"Yes…" Wheatley replied, wondering where she would go with this and feeling like he was in trouble but not entirely sure why.

"And what is the primary function of an Intelligence Dampening Sphere?"

"To generate bad ideas."

"So when you think that something is a good idea, what is it really, most of the time?"

"…a bad idea?" Wheatley guessed.

Katz nodded.

"…yeah, some of the stuff we read was a bit…odd," said the core.

"Where's Curiosity now?" the Agent asked.

"Probably still reading. We were using one of the computers in the room where the Rocket Sentry used to be."

Katz sighed. "Go on and start waking students. I'll get Curiosity."

"Um, okay. See you later, then!"

Katz watched Wheatley speed off around the corner and out of sight on his rail, and then she turned back to the Frankenturret.

"I'll come back for you later," she said. "Sorry, dear, I hate to leave you like this, honest I do, but I can't trust you so close to the shaft, and you're too heavy for me to move at all quickly while carrying you."

Turrent let out a sighing chirp and tucked its legs into its box shape.

"Good robot," Katz praised. Then she turned and set off at a brisk walk down the hall.

_That's in the older part of the Enrichment Center, _she thought._ I hadn't thought that room still existed, what with all the reconstruction GLaDOS did in the second game… Evidently some of the scientists' old computers are still running… I'll have to talk to Alix about that…_

_Let's see, I turn left here, and then…_

A few minutes later, which included quite a bit of walking and a short elevator ride, Katz entered the old office. The Curiosity Core was hanging from its rail in front of a computer monitor, which was displaying a white, text-covered background with a blue frame.

"Curiosity, what are you doing?" she called, checking the floor to make sure that there wasn't any broken glass from the last time Chell had come through here.

"Oh, hi, Agent Katz!" Curiosity said. "I'm reading fanfiction! This one has me in it!"

"Oh, really?" Katz said, using the tone that she often used with small children or, as she had recently realized was necessary, with Frankenturrets as she crossed the room to get a better look at the screen, hoping that it wasn't anything too horrible, for the core's sake.

"Uh-huh! But for some reason, I'm a human, and so is Space! Why did the author write us as humans? That would be so weird!"

"Yes, it would be _very _weird," Katz agreed, reaching out and touching the mouse on the desk and jiggling it to make sure that it worked.

"What's 'Spaceosity' mean?" Curiosity asked, her wide orange eye scanning the text on the screen. "And what…? Ooh, look here! Space just pressed his lips to mine! What's_ that_ about?"

Katz quickly closed out of the window.

"It's…nothing important," she said. "That's just the sort of weird stories we're trying to get rid of by opening a school here."

"Can I get that fanfiction back?" the core asked. "I want to know what happens next!"

"Maybe later," Katz said, making a mental note to have GLaDOS block all access to the fanfiction site from the Enrichment Center before Curiosity found another computer. "The students should be waking up now; we should hurry if we don't want to miss their orientation."

"Ooh, students!" Curiosity exclaimed. "How many are there? What are they like? I want to go see!"

The Curiosity Core sped off on its rail, leaving an incredibly relieved Plot Protector behind it.

_Innocence: the final defense of the naïve, _Katz thought, turning off the computer and following the core out of the office.

* * *

><p><em>Bangbangbang!<em>

"'Ello? Hello in there! It's time to get up, mate. …Hello? Can you hear me?"

Alysen rolled over and pulled her pillow over her head, trying to muffle the loud knocking on her bedroom door.

"Come on, Mom, it's the first day of summer…" she mumbled.

"Look, I _know _you're in there, there's a name on the door and everything, so you've got to get up now. For orientation, you know?"

…_huh?_

"Well, I'd _love _to stick around and chat—well, actually I wouldn't, now that I think about it—but I've got a bunch of other test subjects—er, I mean students, to wake up. So, I'll, um, see you later, I guess."

_Say what? Test subjects?_

Alysen shoved the pillow away and sat up straight, staring at the room around her.

Cream-white walls, completely bare other than a patch of palm tree wallpaper and one framed painting. One desk, with one chair and one lamp. One potted plant. One wall-mounted television. One bedside table, with a phone—_it's not even cordless!_—and one wardrobe.

This was not her bedroom. It wasn't even her house. But she'd seen this room before.

At the beginning of Portal 2. She'd played that far into it, at least.

Alysen jumped out of bed and bolted for the door, grabbing the handle and yanking it open.

There was a light gray sphere hanging from the ceiling, whacking itself against a door opposite her. The teenager found that she could only stare.

"Good morning!" it said in an accent that Alysen was pretty sure was English. "Wakey-wakey! You really should get up, or She'll have all our heads. The Agents are pretty intimidating, too, now that I think about it—"

The door swung open suddenly, and the sphere jerked out of the way as a figure leapt out of the room, swinging what appeared to be a double-ended wooden sword. Alysen quickly retreated several steps back into her room.

"W-Watch it, mate!" the sphere exclaimed, its single light-blue eye wide. "You could hurt someone with that—"

"What's going on?" the sword-wielder—a lithe, pale girl with short, auburn hair—demanded. "This is the Relaxation Center! Why am I here?"

"For the school!" the sphere desperately tried to explain. "You know, you signed up for it…?"

"This has got to be some sort of joke," the girl said, frowning. "This is _Aperture Science. _You're _Wheatley. _This is from a _game._"

"Darn right, it's from a game!"

Alysen and the sword-girl turned to see a boy running up to them. The boy, a little guy with black hair and—Alysen gaped—different colored eyes, one blue and one red, smirked up at them with an excited glint in his eyes.

"It's Portal!" he continued. "And we're here! I _knew _that it was real!"

Then he paused and frowned, looking down at the floor.

"But there shouldn't be a hallway here," he said. "This is the Extended Relaxation Center. The Relaxation Chambers are big boxes hanging in midair; they just look like hotel rooms on the inside. What's going on?"

The boy looked up at Wheatley, expecting an answer.

"Um, well, this was Agent Alix's idea, actually," he said. "Set up the Relaxation Chambers so that students could just walk down a hallway to get to the rest of the building, so we wouldn't have to move your Chambers every time we wanted you to go somewhere. And so that you could use your own two legs, she said. And because Chell seemed to think that having me move the Chambers was a bad idea…"

"Chell?" the sword-girl's eyes widened, and she lowered her weapon slightly. "She's here?"

"Of course, she's here!" Wheatley said. "We're all here! I'm not _exactly _sure how the Agents managed it, but we all just sort of popped up here the other day."

"What's all this about Agents?" Alysen asked, finally finding her voice.

"Look, I don't have the time to answer all your questions!" Wheatley said. "I've got students to wake, and you've got orientation in a few minutes. Just follow the hallway that-a-way, and you'll get there."

The core turned around and headed for the next door, which was a few yards down the hall.

"This is great," the boy said.

"That's not exactly the word I'd use…" the sword-girl said, shaking her head.

"So, did a turret get into your computer, too?" Alysen asked.

The sword-girl nodded. "And I didn't have my bokken handy."

"Your what-en?"

"Bokken. This," the girl held up her wooden sword.

Alysen nodded slowly, starting to relax. At least she wasn't alone in this craziness.

As she calmed, she happened to glance down at herself.

Orange. She was wearing _orange!_

"Oh, _ew!_" she gasped. "Orange! I hate orange!"

"What's wrong with orange?" the boy asked. "It's the test subject outfit."

Alysen looked up. The others were wearing the same orange jumpsuit. She and the sword-girl also were wearing white boots, but the boy was barefoot, his pants rolled up to his knees and curved pieces of metal attached to his calves.

"Where're your boots?" Alysen asked.

The boy shrugged, frowning again. "I didn't get Long Fall Boots, just Knee Replacements."

"So _that's _why they wanted our shoe size!" Alysen realized.

"You mean I'm going to have to walk around barefoot, because I didn't give 'em my stupid shoe size?" said the boy. "This sucks…"

The sword-girl sighed and leaned her bokken against the doorframe.

"It looks like we're going to be neighbors for a while," she said. "I'm Amelia."

"Alysen," Alysen replied, grinning. "And you?" she added, turning to the boy.

"Daren," came the reply. "But I doubt I'll be in the student areas much longer. I came here to be an Assistant."

"You mean you actually signed yourself up for this, without being threatened?" Amelia scoffed.

"Yeah, I did!"

"How'd you bring the sword with you?" Alysen asked, her curiosity peaked.

"I put it as my luxury item," Amelia explained. "I woke up and there it was, on the desk."

"My laptop!" Alysen exclaimed, turning and running back into her room. Sure enough, her laptop was sitting on the desk, closed up. She reached out towards it and hesitated. What if the turret was still in there, waiting for her?

There was a piece of paper taped to the desk next to the laptop. Alysen put off opening the computer and looked at the paper. It said "Schedule" in big letters at the top of the page.

"'Basic Canon and Characterization'…" she read, muttering to herself. "'Grammar, Literacy, and…' What the heck is this?"

"Yeah, I have one of those, too," Amelia said, walking up behind her.

"So do I," said Daren. "Must be a mistake. I'm not a student."

Noises in the hallway made all three students turn to see other boys and girls walking past Alysen's room, heading down the hall.

"…I guess we should get going," Alysen said.

* * *

><p>…<strong>the number 22 is following me. How many points maximum could an applicant get on the canon test? 22. How many submissions did Alix and I get before we closed registration? 22. I'm glancing over my shoulder for 22s now…<strong>


	3. In Which Alix is Creepy

**So, Alix and I went to a Chinese restaurant the other night. One of the lucky numbers in Alix's fortune cookie…was 22. *glances over shoulder* But my fortune said "You will discover the truth in time." Maybe I'll figure out what's with all these 22s soon… Hopefully…**

* * *

><p>Misty turned her head from side to side, her green eyes scanning the small crowd of teenagers around her, moving down the hallway. Well, they were <em>mostly <em>teenagers; she thought she saw one or two kids, really little guys, and one girl looked old enough to be in college.

_And we're all here because of Portal fanfiction, _she thought. What would happen to them next? Wheatley had mentioned "orientation," but then what? Classes, like the schedule safely tucked under her DSi in her room implied? Or—and she didn't know whether to be excited or afraid at this next idea—testing? This _was _Aperture Science, or at least it appeared to be…

"…Misty? _Misty!_"

A hand grabbed Misty's arm, and she whirled around to see a shockingly familiar pale-skinned, curly-haired girl.

"Celeste!" Misty exclaimed as her best friend threw her arms around her. "You're here?"

"Yep! And _you're _here!" Celeste replied, letting go to get a better look at her. "That's a relief. I thought I wouldn't have anyone to talk to but Mr. Stoic over there."

"'Mr. Stoic?'" Misty repeated questioningly. Celeste motioned over her shoulder with her thumb, and Misty looked to see a blond boy, just a bit taller than either of the girls. He was staring straight forward with a bored expression on his face, and there was a crucifix hanging from a chain around his neck.

"According to the door of his room, his name is 'Lanyon,'" Celeste explained. "He's from the room across from me. He hasn't put more than two words together this whole time."

Misty nodded slowly, thinking.

The two girls kept walking with the crowd, leaving the Relaxation Chambers behind them and walking down another hallway. It was dark here except for dimly-glowing lights hanging from the ceiling every few feet. The low murmur of chatter between students ceased as the hallway opened up into a large chamber, which was even darker. It was impossible to tell how big the room was, or if there was anything in it. The students hesitated as one.

"…we have to go in there?" someone ahead of Misty whispered nervously.

"Yeah, you _do _have to go in there, mate," Wheatley confirmed, stopping on an overhead rail.

"Who says?" Lanyon challenged, glaring up at the core.

"_She _does," Wheatley replied, nodding for emphasis. No one felt the need to ask who he meant by "She."

"You think there's cake in there?" another girl said to the boy next to her. There was a smattering of nervous laughter.

Suddenly, there was the sound of machinery moving, and then a wall slid down from the ceiling behind them, closing the way to the hallway and cutting off all of the light that the hall had provided. A few students gasped, and at least one shouted in fear, as they found themselves to be trapped in a completely dark room.

_Not good, _Misty thought nervously, taking a step backwards only to bump into someone behind her, who yelped.

The lights abruptly came on, blinding the students with their sudden brightness. As they blinked, trying to get rid of the white spots that blurred their vision, an eerily familiar voice echoed throughout the chamber.

"Hello, and, again, welcome to the Aperture Science Fanfiction Enrichment Seminar. We hope that your arrival here was not too disconcerting."

Everyone present, even those who had never actually played the game, knew who that dark, musical voice belonged to. Some recognized it with excitement, but most with terror.

The voice paused, allowing for the students' eyes to clear. Once they had, most faces turned to the ceiling, expecting to see the enormous mechanical body that housed the infamous AI core hanging there.

However, GLaDOS was nowhere in sight.

The faces slowly turned back downward, and found the source of the voice standing on a large panel raised a few feet above the floor. It was a girl, short but sturdy in stature with dark, braided hair. She wore dark jeans and a jacket that matched them over a black t-shirt; informal, but her demeanor and the students' nervousness made her seem somehow official.

"Agent Alix, Plot Protector," she introduced herself in a slightly more human-sounding voice. "And, for all intents and purposes, your warden for the next eight weeks."

She paused, as though expecting a reaction, but no student dared move. Alix shrugged and continued.

"Like I said, welcome to the Aperture Science Fanfiction Enrichment Seminar. Over the next eight weeks, you kids will be educated in how to properly write Portal fanfiction. That fact that you are here means that you have been abusing your internet privileges and, therefore, must be taught how to use them correctly. You will be taught by the characters you routinely mischaracterize about subjects that you will be personally subject to—"

_What the heck does _that _mean? _Misty wondered.

"—and you will emerge from the facility as, if not model writers, then as better writers than you are now." The Agent stopped and glanced up at the ceiling. "Did I forget anything?" she called.

"Yes, you did," came a soft but still audible answer. A panel slid open on the opposite wall and another girl stepped out to join Agent Alix on the makeshift stage. She was noticeably taller than Alix, but the two were very similar in skin tone and hair shade. The new arrival was wearing a long-sleeved blue shirt and black pants and her hair hung freely down past her shoulders. She was carrying a Frankenturret.

"Hi, students," the girl said, looking out at the crowd. "I'm Agent Katz, Alix's partner. You forgot about the misspellings," she added, glancing back at Alix.

"Go ahead," Alix said, gesturing towards Katz.

Katz extended her arms, holding the Frankenturret out towards the students.

"A Frankenturret," she said. "Those of you who've actually played Portal 2 will recognize it as an invention of Wheatley's. It's made of two Aperture Science Sentry Turrets, one Aperture Science Weighted Storage Cube, and one misspelled name. And Wheatley doesn't make them anymore. You do. Every time one of you writers misspells the name of any character or object in Portal, one of these poor things is born. Half-lame, nearly mute, and knowing full well that it's _wrong_."

The Frankenturret chirped and visibly shuddered. Katz pulled it close and began to stroke its back as though it were a cat, murmuring comforting words to it.

"Sad, isn't it?" Alix said, sounding sympathetic although the expression on her face made it clear that she had no wish to cuddle the misshapen robotic creature, as her partner was doing. "You'll learn all the proper spellings in class. But since we hate to let anything go to waste, these little guys have a new job: bodyguards. If any of you tries to attack, glomp, or otherwise bother me, Katz, or any character, they will mob you. And believe me, being smothered by those little crabs will not be fun, so don't even consider it.

"Other forbidden and punishable actions include," she continued, ignoring the fresh wave of nervousness that washed over the students. "Skipping class, not turning in homework, incessant stupidity, writing fanfiction—the website is blocked, anyway, and you won't get a license to write Portal fanfiction until you pass the seminar, so don't even try—and using paradoxes. Under no circumstances are you to _ever _use a paradox. Got it? Good. Now! Let's introduce you to your teachers."

The Agents separated, walking to opposite ends of the stage as the door in the wall behind them opened again.

"There are four main classes, as any of you who happened to look at your schedule know," Alix explained as she walked. "You may also have noticed the free periods. Note that they might not always be exactly 'free.' If we want to, we'll fill them with something. Like testing."

"_Testing?_" Celeste whispered to Misty. "They'd really…? Do we get portal guns?"

Misty shrugged. At the moment, she didn't think she'd put anything past the Agents, especially the one with the GLaDOS impersonation.

Her thoughts were interrupted by the arrival of the teachers.

Chell stepped onto the stage first, her green-grey eyes scanning the crowd of students suspiciously. She was closely followed by ATLAS and P-body, who waved cheerfully. A few brave students waved back, but instantly stopped when the upper opposite wall turned into a large screen on which a very familiar yellow-eyed AI was seen.

"Hello," GLaDOS—it was really GLaDOS, this time—sneered. Despite her lack of facial features, she was pretty obviously glaring at the students, and the screen made her seem even bigger and more intimidating than she'd ever appeared in-game.

Wheatley glided across the ceiling to join the others.

"First, you'll have 'Basic Canon and Characterization,'" said Alix. "That will be taught by Chell."

"How? She can't speak…" a girl muttered, speaking softly but just loud enough to be heard across the room.

"Yes she can!" the student next to her said. "She's just stubborn. The writers said it; it's canon."

"But Wheatley says in-game that she's brain damaged!" the first girl insisted.

"Hey!" Alix snapped. "No canon-fanon debates until you've been to class! That's the point of that class, anyway, to show just how much you _don't _know about Portal. Understood? Okay, the next class is called 'Pairings.' And that's taught by Wheatley."

There was an excited muttering from the Wheatley fans and romance writers.

"Remember that you are here to learn, and not to live your ridiculous fantasies," GLaDOS spoke up, cutting the chatter short. "That is why I teach 'Grammar, Literacy, and Defined, Official Spellings,' so that you will become actually coherent on paper."

"That's also where you'll learn how _not _to make Frankenturrets," Alix added. Katz nodded in agreement and stroked the little robot.

"And last but certainly not least, you'll attend a class called 'Applied Physics,' taught by ATLAS and P-body," Alix concluded, motioning towards the blue and orange robots. "And believe me; you kids need _that_ class just as much as any of the others. So, those are your classes. Any questions?"

There was a few seconds of complete silence, and then Celeste raised her hand.

"Where're the other cores?" she asked.

Alix shrugged. "Around. They all have access to the management rails now, so you're bound to run into them at some point."

"Are you PPC Agents?" another girl tentatively asked. "I heard they made schools like this."

"…no, we're not PPC," Alix admitted. "Katz and I are Freelance Plot Protectors. We didn't make the PPC. Next question."

"When do I get to start my Assistant job?" a little boy demanded, thrusting his hand in the air.

"Assistant?" Alix glanced around at the others on the stage, who stared back blankly. "No assistants here, sorry. You filled out a student form."

"But I signed myself up!" the boy continued indignantly. "And I said in the form that I wanted to be an Assistant, not a student! _And _I want Long Fall boots; the floor here's cold! Who's in charge around here, anyway? Who's Headmaster of this school?"

"Cave Johnson, of course!" GLaDOS replied.

"…isn't he dead?" someone voiced the general confusion of those who had played Portal 2.

"We have plenty of prerecorded messages to go around," the AI nonchalantly said.

"All right, anything else?" Alix asked. There was no reply.

"Katz and I have decided to let you all have the rest of the day off," the Agent continued. "She thinks that you need time to get oriented. I say throw you right into classes, but she's the one with the Frankenturrets, so I wouldn't advise arguing with her."

Katz smiled to herself but said nothing.

"So feel free to go back to your Relaxation Chambers, or find your classrooms, or do whatever it is you do when you're not writing bad fanfiction," Alix continued. "Don't touch anything that looks dangerous or important; it's probably a very bad idea. That said, you are now dismissed!"

Misty looked around. She didn't see any way out of the room, other than through the stage. The hallway behind her was still blocked.

"Here, let me get that for you," GLaDOS said. The wall behind them retracted, clearing the hallway. At the same time, two more doors opened, one on the left wall and one on the right. The characters began to file back through the panel behind the stage.

"Have fun!" Alix called as the wall slid shut behind her.

"Remember, school officially begins tomorrow morning," GLaDOS added before switching off her screen.

There was about a minute of uncertain silence.

"So!" Celeste finally said, tapping Misty on the shoulder. "Let's go…this way!" She pointed towards the door on the left.

"Okay…"

* * *

><p><strong>Sorry it took so long! The next chapter will be a while, too… I blame marching band. And the 22s.<strong>


	4. In Which Anya Becomes a Mommy

**Oh no. Oh no. Oh **_**no.**_

**I just remembered… Test Chamber 22 in Portal 2… That's the one where She…**

…

**Hey readers, Alix here. Katz just ran off looking terrified about something. I should go calm her down. In the meantime, why don't you enjoy this lovely little chapter we've got for you?**

* * *

><p>"This place is a maze," Chloe muttered to the shorter blonde next to her.<p>

"Yeah, I can barely remember how many doors we've passed so far," Alayna replied. "We went through the door on the right in that big room, and then…what?"

Chloe sighed and tucked her curly, brown hair behind her ears. "I get the feeling getting lost in this place is a _very _bad idea…"

"You're probably right. Say, maybe I should draw a map. My sketchbook and pencils are back in my Relaxation Chamber. How about we go back there…while we still maybe can find our way back."

Chloe nodded. She didn't like all this wandering blindly around; any corner could be concealing a trap, or worse, turrets. She had to suppress a shudder at the thought of coming face-to-face with a turret. They were scary enough on the computer, with their creepy little voices, and when they shot at her…

The two turned around to see another girl running towards them, her eyes wide with fear. Alayna grabbed her arm as she passed.

"Hey, what's wrong?" she asked.

The girl pointed behind her. "That. That _thing _is following me!"

Alayna and Chloe slowly turned to look up the hallway that the girl had been running down. A Frankenturret was slowly making its way towards them, heaving its cube along behind it and making a thud whenever its heavy end hit the floor, and chirping at them in a desperate sort of way.

"You didn't try to glomp anyone, did you?" Alayna asked.

The girl shook her head frantically. "I didn't! I haven't run into any characters since orientation. Then that thing just showed up, and no matter which way I turn it follows me!"

"What's going on here?"

All three girls' heads turned to see Agent Katz stepping out from behind a panel in the wall.

"You… You're the one who keeps the Frankenturrets, right?" Chloe asked.

Katz nodded. "Is there a problem?"

"Yes!" the girl exclaimed. "This one's following me! Make it stop!"

The Agent approached the Frankenturret, which stopped in front of her and chirped pleadingly.

"Wheatly," Katz whispered.

"Huh? What was that?" Alayna asked.

"Its name is Wheatly," Katz repeated, staring sadly down at the robot. "It wants its mother, poor thing."

The three students were having a difficult time feeling sorry for the "poor thing," because it had been stalking the girl and, in Chloe's case, because it was part turret.

"So…take it to its mother," the girl suggested, relaxing slightly now that someone seemed to be taking care of the problem.

The Agent turned to face the girl. "You're Anya Mae, aren't you?"

"Yeah, I am…"

"Then you're its mother."

The three students gaped. "_What?_" Anya gasped.

"You misspelled 'Wheatley' on your application form," Katz explained, as calmly and deliberately as if she had been explaining that two plus two was four. "You created it. Therefore, you are its mother."

She began to walk back towards the open panel.

"Hang on!" Anya called. "What am I supposed to do now?"

"Keep it," Katz said, not even turning around. "They don't need to eat or sleep. What it needs most now is your love. Give it the care that you never gave your spelling. I hope you're not heartless enough to just leave it there, _mommy_."

The panel slid shut behind her, and the students—and Wheatly—were alone in the hallway once more.

"That was…harsh," Alayna commented.

Wheatly inched a step closer to Anya with a tentative chirp.

"I guess I don't have a choice…" Anya sighed. She bent over, hesitated, and then petted the Frankenturret's box.

It chirped again. Chloe shuddered.

* * *

><p>Kikaito straightened his glasses as he peered through the window glass.<p>

"I think… Yeah, that's definitely a test chamber down there. One of the early ones. This must be one of the observation rooms—you know, the ones that you think have people watching you, but it turns out have nothing but empty chairs? You remember that?"

There was no reply. The slightly rotund nineteen-year-old boy turned back towards his companion, Nathan, the kid who lived in the room across from him. Nathan seemed to be practicing some sort of ninja stance.

"I said, do you remember that?" Kikaito repeated.

"Huh?" Nathan glanced over at him. "Sorry. No, I don't remember. I kinda rushed through the first game, so the details are a bit…fuzzy."

Kikaito nodded slowly. "What was that you were doing just now?"

"Oh, um…" Nathan shrugged. "I was…wishing that I had some blond hair dye."

Kikaito stared blankly at Nathan's short, brown hair.

"I'm a Naruto fan," Nathan admitted. "He wears orange, so…yeah."

Before Kikaito could think of a response, a metal ball came gliding into the room along the ceiling rail.

"More students!" a high-pitched voice squealed gleefully, its owner's bright orange eye rapidly moving back and forth, as though it were trying to see both boys at once. "Hi! Who are you? Where are you from? How old are you? What kind of fanfiction do you write? Ooh, you have glasses!" it added, staring at Kikaito. "Does that mean you can't see normally? What's it like to wear glasses? Why don't _you _need glasses?" it abruptly switched back to Nathan.

"Um…" Nathan muttered, not sure which question to answer first. Kikaito smiled slightly. The orange eye, the rapid-fire questions… This could be none other than—

"Curiosity? Where'd you go, Curi?" someone called. Another boy came running into the room. Pretty much everything about him was brown; his tan skin, his dark hair, even his eyes. They made the orange jumpsuit and white boots seem even brighter than usual.

"Oh, _there _you are!" he said, spotting the Core hanging from the ceiling.

"Hi again, Victor!" the Curiosity Core said. "Why are you following me?"

"Fact: Victor Rosario is a Curiosity fanboy," said a voice from the doorway. "He also doesn't know what's in his own best interest."

A pink glow heralded the arrival of the Fact Core, which was flanked from below by two Frankenturrets. Neither of them had any plating over their heads.

"Dammit, I thought I'd shaken those guys!" Victor muttered.

"Fact: Chels and PBody are the best at tracking would-be-glompers."

Kikaito could have sworn that the Core was smirking at them, despite its not having a mouth.

"Are the Frankenturrets gonna mob Victor now?" Curiosity asked.

"Fact: It's their job."

…_Crap._

* * *

><p>Corah bounded into the room, enjoying the strange sensation the Long Fall Boots gave her every leap. Well, it was more the <em>lack <em>of sensation that was strange, since the boots were absorbing the impact of her jumps. They were just so cool! She felt a bit sorry for the few students she'd seen barefoot; they were missing out.

"I think I found a classroom!" she called to the two girls behind her.

The first came in running after her, ducking under the doorway which was just too low for her height. She was holding a laptop tightly under one arm, which had a sticker reading "Property of Kenna Caldwell" on it.

"I bet that's what this is," she said, her green-grey eyes scanning the lecture-hall-esque seats, each row raised slightly above the one in front of it. "I wonder whose class is in here? Maybe Wheatley's—you see that rail up there?"

"But those have been everywhere," Corah pointed out. "I hope it's GLaDOS's. I wonder, will she be on that screen again, or will her classroom actually be in her chamber?"

Kenna's eyes widened. "That would be _awesome. _To come face-to-face with GLaDOS… Finally, I'll be able to discuss my scientific endeavors with someone who will understand!"

The third girl stood by the door, not inserting anything to the excited conversation. Her pale skin seemed even whiter in comparison to her curly black hair, and she was quietly watching the other girls from behind her glasses as they jabbered on about science and AIs and classes.

Her name was Emily. So far today, she'd let Kenna and Corah do most of the talking, which seemed to be working pretty well. She was more comfortable being quiet.

* * *

><p>Agent Alix slammed her forehead into her desk, snarling angrily at what she'd just read on the computer screen in front of her.<p>

"Someone just found it necessary to put 'Core!Wheatley' in their summary!" she exclaimed. "'_Core!Wheatley_!' As if he wasn't a Core to begin with! _What_ is the world _coming _to?"

There was a soft chirp from behind her, and something nudged her leg. Alix slowly looked down. There was a Frankenturret sitting there, staring up at her.

"…Core!Wheatley?" Alix asked. The Frankenturret chirped approval and rested a leg on her foot.

The Agent reached down and awkwardly patted it on the head once. Then she took a deep breath.

"_Agent Katz!_"

* * *

><p><strong>So, apparently unnecessary precision also creates Frankenturrets. Who would have thought? Well, I would have thought. This is still Alix, by the way. Agent Katz is hiding from the 22s. Maybe if you review, she will feel better. Unless there are 22 reviews on this chapter… Oh dear.<strong>

**Oh, and by the way, you have now met all 15 students that we are going to use. Maybe, if things are going well, we might pull one of the other seven out of the files for a cameo, but these 15 are the main characters of OFU-ASFES. We hope that you stick around and read even if your character isn't here!**


	5. In Which There's Goop, Class, and a Song

GLaDOS turned on the security feeds, flipping through the live videos of the Relaxation Chambers. Inside each Chamber slept a student, wrapped in their bedsheets, held in various stages of sleep, blissfully unaware of the day's events…for the moment, at least. Soon they would awaken to day one of their fan-fiction education.

Not that the AI cared about the fan-fiction. She was in it for the science. These teenagers were fresh, healthy, and had undamaged brains. They weren't the ideal test subjects—once, Aperture Science had hired Olympians!—but they were better than the vegetables that occupied a large percentage of her vault space. GLaDOS had spent most of the night drafting test chambers, and the other part had been spent creating back-up copies of the students' brains. Just in case.

The door to her chamber slid open and the Agents walked in. GLaDOS turned her chassis so that her single yellow eye glared down at them, more for the purpose of intimidation that anything else.

"Good morning," Alix said, completely ignoring the glare. She was holding a radio. Behind her, Agent Katz cradled turrent.

"I don't presume you plan on telling me just how you two continue to be able to access my chamber. I specifically recall changing the entry code."

"Nope, we're not," Alix agreed, grinning at her partner, who only continued to stroke the Frankenturret.

"You might want to consider posting a couple of Frankenturrets, to keep students out of here," the jean-clad Agent continued. "Just to be safe. A friend of mine runs the Last Airbender OFU, and she says students will do almost anything to get at characters."

"Speaking of students, we'll have to feed them today," Katz spoke up. "Adrenal vapor only does so much, and I'd like them to last out the summer."

"Very well," said GLaDOS. "Shall I send the moron to wake them again?"

"Actually, I've got a better idea," Alix said, switching on the radio. The number "85.2 FM" appeared on the screen.

"How loud can you make the PA system?" asked Alix.

If GLaDOS had had a mouth, she would have grinned.

"How loud do you want it?"

Thirty seconds later, the previously-sleeping teenagers were jolted out of bed, most tumbling to the floor tangled in their sheets, with the upbeat variation of "Still Alive" blaring in their ears.

* * *

><p>"Yuck…" Alysen muttered, poking at her breakfast with her fork. If it could even be called "breakfast." Breakfast was food, and wasn't food supposed to be edible? She was pretty sure that these were supposed to be scrambled eggs, but it was more like…<p>

"Soggy yellow goop," Daren voiced her thoughts. "Delicious. Are all the meals going to be like cafeteria food?"

"It better not." Amelia stifled a yawn. "They could've warned us about the wake-up call…"

Similar scenes were playing out all over the cafeteria as not-quite-awake students tried to choke down breakfast and come to terms with the fact that the previous day had not, in fact, been just a dream. Celeste was talking very animatedly to Misty, Kenna, and Corah, who were responding with varying amounts of enthusiasm, while Lanyon and Emily silently watched. Kikaito had given up on breakfast and was playing on his DS, with Nathan and Victor, who still looked slightly battered from his run-in with Chels and PBody, giving him gaming advice. Four Frankenturrets were wobbling around the perimeter of the room, giving the students what were probably menacing looks—it was hard to tell, since they lacked facial features.

"So, we went into the left-hand hallway and then took the third door to get here, right?" Alayna asked, adding some new lines to her map.

"That sounds about right," Anya replied. Wheatly, who she had set under the table, chirped in a begging sort of way, and she reached out a cautious hand to pet him once on the cube. "You okay, Chloe?"

The curly-haired fifteen-year-old pulled her eyes away from the patrolling Frankenturrets. "Yeah. Sorry. I was just thinking… Those Frankenturrets have orange eyes. Wheatly's are red, aren't they?"

The three girls checked under the table. Yes, Anya's misspelling's eyes were red, unlike the other ones in the room.

"That's weird," Alayna said. "I wonder why?"

"Some Frankenturrets take on significant qualities of the person whose name they are an error for," Katz explained, setting turrent down on the floor behind Anya. The girls jumped, not having noticed her approach. Chloe wondered how someone carrying something so bulky could move so surreptitiously; Anya had gotten quite a lot of staring lugging Wheatly around that morning.

"For example," the Agent continued, pointing at the orange-eyed Frankenturrets. "These are P-Body, P-Boy, P-BODY, and P-bODY. All four are misspellings of 'P-body' and, therefore, have orange eyes, like she does. Now, PBody doesn't have orange eyes. I'm not sure why. The rule must not always apply. We could do some tests to find out, but on the one hand, we'd need a lot more of them to get substantial data, and on the other hand, if both GLaDOS and Alix think that something's a good idea, then, well…"

She trailed off, stood silently for a moment, and then realized that the three students were staring at her, bewildered.

"Eat up," she said. "You'll only get so many meals, and you'll need your strength in this place."

Katz bent down, picked up turrent, and walked away. Wheatly chirped a cheery farewell as they left, which turrent gloomily returned.

* * *

><p>"I think we're lost…" Emily said as they passed yet another featureless white door.<p>

"We're not _lost!_" Kenna insisted, opening the door, glancing around inside, and closing it again. "We're just…not exactly…sure where we are."

"In other words, we _are _lost," Corah sighed. "And we're late for Chell's class, too!"

"_Are _we late?" Kenna asked. "I mean, have you even seen a clock since we've been here?"

Corah shrugged. "No. But in video games, the protagonist is always late."

"Or just in the nick of time," Kenna pointed out.

"Let's count on the latter." Corah tucked her light-brown hair, which wasn't very long but just long enough to get in the way, behind her ears. "We better keep looking…"

"Wait." Kenna looked up at the ceiling. "Do you hear that?"

The other two girls listened, and the sound of an ongoing ramble reached their ears, starting quietly but getting louder as the speaker neared them.

"…so stupid. No stars here. No stars. No stars. Not in space. How to get to space? Need a rocket. Got a rocket? No rocket. Darnit, need a rocket. Oh! Oh! I could be a Buddhist! Go to inner space! Spaaaace…!"

The yellow-eyed core was speeding towards them on its rail.

"Girls, help has arrived," Kenna said. "Hey, Space!"

The Space Core slid to a halt, directly above her head.

"Space? Space! Where?" it jabbered.

"You," Kenna corrected. "Do you know where the Basic Canon and Characterization classroom is?"

"Umm…" Space thought. "Oh! Oh yeah! I know that. Been there. No rocket. No Buddhists, either."

"Right," said Kenna. "Could you take us there? We're late for class."

"Okay." The core glanced left, right, and left again. "This way!" it finally decided, speeding off back the way it had come.

The three girls ran after it.

* * *

><p>The sight of three out-of-breath teenagers entering the room would have given most of the other students reason to stare, given that everyone else was already seated, but they were quickly distracted by a voice over the P.A. system.<p>

"_Welcome, gentlemen, to Aperture Science. Astronauts, war heroes, Olympians: you're here because we want the best and you are it. So, who is ready to make some science?_"

"That's Cave Johnson!" Bryce exclaimed. At the front of the lecture hall-esque room, Chell stood at a podium and typed at a keyboard.

"_Our esteemed headmaster,_" she wrote, the words appearing on a screen on the wall, "_Deceased since sometime around the year 2000, welcoming you to class. Now, if you three would take your seats, we'll get started._"

As Kenna, Corah, and Emily searched for empty seats, Chell pushed another button and began another line.

"_Welcome to Basic Canon and Characterization Class. Here you will learn what we know about the world of the Portal games and, more importantly, just how much we don't know. Many of you did surprisingly well on the canon literacy portion of your entry form, but despite this, your fanfiction displays an incredible lack of understanding as to what is not canon. Here we will separate canon from fanon, identify the needs for an Alternate Universe label, and discuss which fan-assumptions are better than others. You will also learn the basics of proper characterization and story setup. Are there any questions?_"

There was about a minute of silence, as Chell was typing faster than most of the students could read. A short, slightly chubby teen raised her hand.

"Why aren't you talking?" she asked.

"Come on, Sparkle!" Bryce said, rolling his eyes. "Everyone knows she's mute!"

"No, she's not!" someone shouted from the other side of the room. "It's 'cause she's so stubborn! It's Word of God!"

"Oh, yeah? Since when?"

Chell punched a button on her keyboard and a high-pitched screeching noise quickly shut the arguing students up.

"_That's a good place to start, actually,_" she wrote. "_Am I mute? What in-game evidence is there that I cannot speak?_"

"You don't!" Celeste called. There was a smattering of laughter.

"GLaDOS calls you a 'dangerous, mute lunatic!'" Alayna added.

Chell nodded. "_You with the 'Word of God,' what do you have to say to that?_"

"I read an interview with one of the writers," said the boy. "Erik Wolpaw. He said that you were just stubborn and didn't want to give GLaDOS the satisfaction of an answer to her jibes."

"_Do you ever hear me make a sound in-game?_"

"When you get smushed by the door in Test Chamber 19, you sort of gasp," said Alysen. "What?" she added in response to the stares and winces of the players around her.

"So that proves she can talk!" Mr. Word-of-God said triumphantly.

"_It proves that I can make sound, not that I can speak,_" Chell corrected. "_And while Mr. Wolpaw did say that in an interview, it was in response to the first game, not the second one._"

"What difference does that make? If you can talk in one, then you can talk in the other!"

"_Not necessarily. What happened to me between games?_"

Many students quickly answered with shouts along the lines of "Extended Relaxation!" or "Cryosleep!"

"_Right. And what does Wheatley say that may have done to me?_"

"Brain damage!"

"And then, when he asks you to talk to him, you just jump instead!" Anya remembered. "Maybe it's because you _can't!_"

"_Maybe._"

"But _can _you?" Sparkle asked.

There was a pause.

"_I'm not telling._"

There was much protest, and then a reintroduction of the Screech Button.

* * *

><p>"I didn't think there was so much to cryogenics," Amelia said as the students exited the classroom afterwards. "But I guess you can't just freeze someone and hope for the best… Then again, knowing Cave Johnson, that's probably what Aperture Science <em>did…<em>"

"Did you seriously get stuck behind the door in Test Chamber 19?" Daren was incredulously asking Alysen. "I mean, did you forget that you had a portal gun?"

"It just took me a few tries to get it, that's all," Alysen protested.

"Uh-huh. And did it take a few tries to escape the incinerator, too?"

"Look, that test chamber was _really hard, _and I—!"

"_This was a triumph…_"

The three students froze.

"_I'm making a note here: huge success…_"

They had reached a corner. Their heads slowly turned to peek around the corner.

"_It's hard to overstate my satisfaction…_"

It sounded like GLaDOS. But it wasn't GLaDOS. Far down the hallway, Agent Alix was walking in their direction, singing in a perfect imitation of the AI's voice, which echoed along the hallway.

"_Aperture Science: We do what we must because we can… For the good of all of us, except the ones who are dead._"

Alysen, Daren, and Amelia glanced at each other, and then turned around as one to head very quickly back the way they'd come.

* * *

><p><strong>I blame Alix for the Buddhism joke. In other news, I was playing Scrabble today, and the first word that one of the other players put down was worth 22 points. Eh, 22s don't scare me anymore. They're just weird.<strong>

**Alix: *clap*…*clap*…*clap* Good, that's still working.**


	6. In Which There is Punishment

No one _dared_ be late to GLaDOS's first class. The A.I.'s yellow gaze swept the room, and finding no empty seats, began to speak.

"Welcome to Grammar, Literacy, and Defined, Official Spellings class," she said. "Even more important than a story's content and plot accuracy is its mechanics. Typing errors contribute to 85% of readers' headaches-and that fact was concluded from tests, not gained from that idiotic Fact Core. Proper spelling and grammar lead to readability. On a related note, this is where you will learn how _not_ to make Frankenturrets. There are far too many of those pathetic, imbecilic, two-legged creatures crawling around my facility. Unfortunately, I must tolerate your presence until you are properly educated."

Lanyon rolled his eyes. Comparing students to Frankenturrets. That computer was really stretching for insults. Pathetic. Even more pathetic was the fact that no one around him seemed to realize that they had just been insulted.

"We will begin with a test," GLaDOS continued. "Unfortunately, it is not a test that involves deadly neurotoxin, but a spelling test. You will find paper and pens in the desks in front of you."

"But won't writing misspellings make more Frankenturrets?" someone asked over the rustling of paper.

"There is a deficiency of data on the topic of Frankenturret creation through manually writing as opposed to typing," GLaDOS said. "We shall soon find out."

"This is so stupid!" A boy jumped to his feet, crumpling up the paper in his hand. "First wearing orange, then obeying canon, and now determining correct _spelling?_ It's a _video game, _for crying out loud!"

He threw the paper aside and pointed dramatically at the AI.

"This! Sentence! Is! Faaaaa...!"

But before the final word could exit his mouth, a trapdoor in the floor beneath him opened, and the student fell out of sight. A few of the people sitting around him shrieked in surprise. The trapdoor closed itself again, becoming a featureless floor once again.

"'This sentence is faaaaa?'" GLaDOS quoted bemusedly as several students nervously checked the floor beneath their feet for cracks. "'Faaaaa' is not a word. That sentence has no meaning, and shall be discarded. Now. Back to the test."

* * *

><p>Alix entered the staff room and crossed over to Agent Katz, who was sitting in front of a monitor displaying the progress of the unfortunate teenage boy through the Aperture Science Pipe Network. The transparent tubes twisted through the facility, Pneumatic Diversity Vents positioned every couple of meters maintaining the high pressure and therefore the boy's movement.<p>

"Isn't that the kid with the absurdly long name and the even more absurdly long nickname?" Alix asked, pulling up a chair and nearly knocking into turrent, who was sitting at Katz's feet.

"The Business Magnet? Yeah, it's him," Katz replied.

The two Agents watched the terrified boy tumble through the tubes, occasionally painfully banging against the glass.

"It doesn't look nearly as fun as Wheatley makes it out to be in the game," Alix mused, a small grin crossing her lips.

Katz shook her head grimly. "It doesn't look fun at _all_."

A few seconds later, the tubes deposited the boy through a Vital Apparatus Vent, and he landed on his face in a dark room. He slowly picked himself up, rubbing his sore limbs, and looked around.

The monitor in the staff room didn't even pierce the shadows. The Agents kept watching. For several moments, nothing happened.

Then the eyes started to open. First one, bright white and staring. Then another. And another. Some were wide and colored like Cores' eyes, and some small and red like turrets'. There were soon hundreds of them, maybe thousands, all glowing in the darkness, surrounding the boy on all sides and above. They were robots. Hundreds and hundreds of robots.

For a moment, they continued to stare at the boy.

Then they all began to scream.

The Agents continued to watch for a while.

"...I still say we should've put magnets in his bloodstream," Alix said conspiratorially.

"No, we shouldn't," Katz replied.

"Oh, come on, Katz!" Alix said, turning her chair to face her partner. "It'd be funny!"

"No."

"But at IAHF-"

"I said _no_, Alix."

* * *

><p>The disappearance of Mindaugas Narušis, or, as he preferred to be called, "Aperture Science Business Magnet," had set everyone on edge. Every footstep was cautious, and every statement mentally rehearsed to make sure that there was no paradoxical phrase in it. The only consolation was that the next class was Wheatley's, and his fanbase caused a temporary roadblock in the doorway in their eagerness to enter the classroom.<p>

This eagerness quickly turned into hesitation as the students realized that the Agents were waiting for them inside the classroom. Wheatley was hanging from his track on the ceiling.

"No, don't stop," Alix said, waving the students towards the desks, which were on several layers of raised platforms, unlike the flat-floored layout of GLaDOS's chamber. "Please, be seated."

Corah and Kenna glanced at each other and grinned as they sat down, noticing that this was the classroom that they had found earlier.

"Public service announcement!" Alix proclaimed as everyone picked out their seats. "This is a reminder that all classroom disruptions, _especially_ paradoxes, are _strictly_ forbidden, under punishment of being sent to Android Hell. Granted, it's very amusing to watch you little beasts suffer, so I don't really mind what you do, but final warnings are fun too. And this _is_, in fact, your final warning. Let the Business Maggot's fate be a warning to you. And no, I won't be telling you when you will see him again. To be honest, I don't know, either. Anyway, have a nice day!"

The jean-clad Agent turned and exited the classroom. Katz paused before following her.

"Paradoxes aren't smart in a place like this," she said. "They're dangerous to robots. Just don't use them, and you won't be punished for using them, and we'll all be fine, okay?"

She gave the students a little smile, picked up turrent, and left the room.

"If I'm ever in trouble, I want Agent Katz on my side," Mystmoon whispered, leaning forward to talk to Misty and Celeste.

Lanyon, sitting on the other side of Misty, snorted derisively. "You seriously buy that act? It's classic Good Cop/Bad Cop. Haven't you ever watched TV? They're trying to get us to do what they want by acting like they're at odds with each other."

"Aaand that raises your word count for the day to a grand total of thirty-five!" Celeste joked, grinning at Misty. Lanyon crossed his arms and went back to silent sulking.

"Okay, well, let's get started!" said Wheatley, turning from side to side so that he could see everyone. "Welcome to Pairings class. Let's start with a question: What are the canon pairings in the Portal games? Go on, shout them out."

"Chelley!" Misty blurted.

"No, _GLaDOS _and Wheatley!" Mystmoon countered.

"Cave/Caroline!" Kenna added.

"ChellDOS!" Hakkari called, cupping his hands around his mouth to be heard over the shouts of "Spacosity!" "ATLAS/P-body!" and "Moranger!"

"You're all wrong!" said Alayna. "Portal has no pairings!"

"Exactly!" said Wheatley. "Miss Morris is correct; there are no canon pairings in Portal."

Dead silence.

"But…but you and Chell are so adorable together!" Misty protested.

"Oh, come on!" said Nathan. "A human and a robot? That's just _wrong._"

There was a rumble of dissent from the ChellDOS and Chelley fans.

"Well, if you turn them into humans, then there's no problem, right?" said Alysen.

"Human-transformation fics?" said Daren, staring at her incredulously. "Seriously?"

Alysen shrugged. "It was on the entry form…"

"The fact remains…" Wheatley attempted to continue, but there was too much chatter. "Hello, test subje—I mean, students, could you please stop talking?"

"GLaDOS _hates _Wheatley!" Justin was insisting to Chloe.

"But he's funny!" she argued. "He's gonna grow on her, and then—"

"Look, would you lot just _shut up?_" Wheatley snapped, his voice suddenly and frighteningly increasing in volume. All mouths shut instantly, and all eyes turned to face his eye, which had narrowed angrily, the light blue pupil only visible through a small slit between the metal eyelids.

"_Thank _you," said the core, appearing to significantly cheer up again. "Now, as I was saying, the fact remains that there are no couples in Portal. There isn't even enough interaction between characters during the games to make much of a friendship. They're just a couple hours long… Yes, Miss Liduen?"

"But… You save Chell twice in Portal 2," the timid blonde said. "And you're nice to her, so doesn't that make you friends?"

"Well, it's a bit more complicated than that…" Wheatley began.

"That means they're in love," Misty whispered to Celeste, who grinned and nodded.

"…but we'll talk more about that on a later day. Now, are there any other questions? Yes, Lauren, isn't it?"

"_Wheatleeeey, why'd you try to kill me?_" the fourteen-year-old at the side of the room sang at the top of her lungs. "_After all that we'd been through…_"

Wheatley rolled his eye. There was an eerie chorus of chirping, and then the wall next to Lauren slid open and Wheetly, Whatley, and Chel hopped out, glomming the singing girl. The other students scrambled to get out of the way, including Anya, holding a very excited Wheatly, who seemed to be chirping encouragement to his fellow Frankenturrets as they dragged Lauren back through the door in the wall.

"Those music videos are really, really annoying, by the way," Wheatley said as the door slid shut again.

* * *

><p><strong>Katz: Portal is the reason why I get so insanely happy whenever I eat cake.<strong>

**Alix: Mmm, cake… Wait, what would happen if I put magnets in a cake and fed it to—**

**Katz: NO. Just NO.**


	7. In Which Curtis Learns Some Physics

The Space Core careened down the hallway, zipping along its rail at top speed.

"Space, space, space!" it shouted. "Inner space? Boring. Space religion. Space church? Church in space! Gotta go to space church! Shh, sit still, be quiet, listen to space preacher. Boring. Spaaaace—!"

_Crash!_

"Oww…"

The Space Core backed up a few feet, wincing and shaking its head.

"Space blockage?" it wondered, peering at the metal sphere that it had slammed into. The sphere slowly turned around and blinked its dark blue eye.

"Six slash seven cups granulated sugar," it muttered in its perpetually gloomy voice.

"Not space blockage, Intelligence!" Space deduced. "Hey. Hey. Hey Intelligence. Wanna go to space?"

"One teaspoon cinnamon, one slash two teaspoons cardamom, two slash three teaspoons ginger…"

"Wanna go to space. I'm going to space. Oh boy. Oh boy. Oh boy. Eclipses. Ellipses. E-Space."

"And it contains sunshine, rainbows, ribbons, kittens—"

"And space?"

The Intelligence Core blinked again.

"And space," it agreed.

The Space Core hummed happily to itself.

* * *

><p>ATLAS held his portal gun aloft and fired a blue portal at the wall. Glancing at the assembled students to make sure that they were paying attention, he fired a second, purple portal next to the blue one. Then he walked up to the blue portal and stepped through and out the purple one.<p>

P-body applauded. A few students hesitantly did the same.

The robots then had each student take the portal gun one at a time and copy the core-based robot's motions.

"Is that really all this class is?" Victor muttered to Nathan as they moved through the line. "I mean, I haven't actually played the games myself, and I know that it does that."

Nathan shrugged.

All was calm until Curtis Barnes, at the end of the line, placed a portal on the floor and on the relatively low ceiling instead of the wall and jumped in, ignoring the robots' exclamations of alarm. In the end, they could only watch helplessly as the lanky fourteen-year-old's velocity increased to frightening amounts as he fell.

"Now what?" Sparkle asked. P-body shrugged, and ATLAS muttered something that sounded very suspiciously like a robot swear word.

"Sucks to be him," said Daren as Curtis realized his predicament and began to scream for help.

"Yeah, but he has the portal gun," Amelia pointed out.

The lights flickered and dimmed, and then the left-hand wall turned into a large screen. On it was GLaDOS, with Katz standing under her, who was holding a Frankenturret.

"Momentum, as is so effectively being demonstrated here, is a function of mass and velocity," said the AI. "It is also unaffected by portals. In layman's terms, speedy thing goes in, speedy thing comes out. Speedy thing goes back in repeatedly with no outside intervention, even speedier thing comes out. Repeatedly."

ATLAS jabbered at the screen, elaborately motioning at the falling human.

"Since we can't very well just leave him there—well, we could just leave him there, but then he wouldn't learn anything other than 'don't jump into an infinite portal loop,' and there's more for him to do this summer—let's turn it into a lesson," GLaDOS replied. "Are there any suggestions from the test subjects?"

Alayna raised her hand. "He could portal his way out."

"If he'd thought of that sooner, maybe," Katz mused. "But I doubt he's in any state to aim at the moment—we're as much a blur to him as he is to us—and if his aim is off, he could fly out and hit the rest of you at several hundred meters per second, and I _really _don't want that to happen. Next?"

"Someone could just shove him out," Corah suggested.

"Finally, a sensible statement," said GLaDOS. Corah looked absolutely thrilled at her praise, but then the AI continued her sentence.

"Assuming, of course, that your bones can withstand colliding with an object that is moving at precisely one thousand one hundred seventy-six meters per second… Make that one thousand one hundred ninety-five point six meters per second… One thousand two hundred fif—"

"Acceleration due to gravity, his velocity is increasing by nine point eight meters per second every second, you get the idea," Katz cut her off—a brave thing to do, the students noted, given the Business Magnet's fate, but the AI didn't seem too irritated by it, probably because of the prime entertainment she currently had in the form of the perpetually falling boy. "All the more reason to solve this quickly. Any volunteers?"

There were a few seconds of hesitative silence, and then Lanyon sighed.

"Isn't it obvious?" he said. "Have one of the robots shove him out. Simple."

"Correct," GLaDOS said. "Blue, Orange, retrieve the human."

ATLAS and P-body glanced at each other in alarm.

"Go on," Katz encouraged. "You can be reassembled, remember."

The robots continued to hesitate. Finally, ATLAS took a tentative step forward, glanced back at his partner, and shoved the human out of the line of the portals.

There was a thud as robot and human hit the floor. ATLAS landed on his stomach, while Curtis's feet swung around to contact the floor, his boots altering and absorbing the impact of his fall. The boy then sagged to his knees, holding his side and moaning.

"Cracked a rib?" said GLaDOS. "Congratulations, you just proved Newton's third law of motion: for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. As your body slammed into Blue's hands with a force of approximately 980 newtons, his hands slammed into you, with a force of approximately 980 newtons. To be honest, you're lucky."

"And _that's _why we're starting you so 'slowly' with these lessons," Katz explained, "because the laws of physics are dangerous to mess with when you're doing more than just clicking a mouse. It isn't easy. Even Chell started out with a one-portal gun. And now that you've got the basic concept of portals down, that's what you're moving to next."

* * *

><p>"Fridge Logic: Why did we even have them hold a dual-portal gun on day one of classes at all?" Katz said a few minutes later, setting turrent down on the staff room table and resting her arms on him to keep him from wandering away. "Something like this was bound to happen."<p>

Alix shrugged. "Because something like this was bound to happen? And we can watch the video later for laughs. I'm considering making a montage, what with all the fun footage we're getting today…"

"Alix, these are kids!"

The jean-clad Agent's eyebrow rose. "So are we."

"That's not the point."

"Oh, so we _didn't _make this school for the precise purpose of teaching young writers to improve their Portal fan-fiction and with the intent of using the same level of dangerous scenarios and insane punishment that have been a part of OFU tradition since the Official Fanfiction University of Middle-earth opened in 2002?"

Katz opened her mouth to retort, and then she frowned and closed it again, picking up turrent and walking out of the room.

Alix grinned smugly as the door slid shut behind her partner and leaned back in her chair.

There was a muffled thud and a low chirp as something bumped into the chair.

The Agent looked down. Core!Wheatley looked up.

"Go hang out with someone who likes carrying you around," Alix muttered.

Core!Wheatley folded itself into a box, contentedly sitting at her feet.

Alix sighed, turned on the nearest computer, and began splicing videos.

* * *

><p>"I guess that's all we'll need to know for getting around this place," Alayna said, making a final note on her map. "There're still a lot of doors, but they're probably just for show or something."<p>

"I hope so," said Chloe. "Even with a map, it's hard enough to get around. Thanks for that, by the way."

"Sure thing." Alayna closed her sketchbook. "Now what, back to the Relaxation Center?"

"Hey!"

With a sudden burst of energy, Wheatly had twisted free of Anya's arms, its cube landing on her foot, which had led to her alarmed shout.

"What was _that_ for?" Anya snapped, reaching down to rub her bruised limb. Wheatly ignored her, hopping a few feet away.

"Are you okay?" Alayna asked. Anya nodded, grimacing.

Wheatly stopped in front of a door and, apparently discovering that it was unable to open it himself, proceeded to butt its head against it several times and chirp pleadingly.

"Oh, all right, then…" Anya sighed, walking over and placing a hand on the doorknob. The door opened inward, revealing a small, featureless room, barely a few square meters large.

"Mind telling me why you wanted to crush my foot to get to this?" Anya said. The Frankenturret lurched its way into the center of the little room, where it turned around to face the three girls and chirped again.

"There's nothing in there," said Chloe. "Well, nothing plus a Frankenturret now, but you know what I mean."

"Come on, Wheatly, let's go," said Anya. Wheatly rolled onto its side and folded up into its cube.

Anya sighed. "You're just a misplaced letter 'e', but you're a lot more trouble than you're worth, you know that?" she said, walking into the little room to pick it up.

"Here, I'll help," said Chloe, stepping up beside her.

"Hang on," said Alayna. "What's that on the wall?"

The other girls looked up.

"It's…a button?" said Chloe. "A little red button."

"What do you think it does?" said Alayna, moving in for a closer look.

Anya shrugged. "We probably shouldn't press it."

"Definitely not," Chloe agreed.

"Probably incredibly dangerous, whatever it is," Alayna added.

"Given that this is Aperture Labs we're standing in," said Chloe.

"Pressing it never even crossed my mind," said Anya.

"We should go," said Alayna.

The three girls looked at each other.

"Oh, what the heck," said Anya, reaching forward and pressing the button.

The door slammed shut, plunging them into darkness. Then the three girls felt a sudden rush as the floor sped downward with a low mechanical whine. After about five seconds of falling, everything lurched to a halt and the door swung open again.

"…an elevator?" Chloe guessed.

"Yeah, but where to?" said Alayna.

"Somewhere Wheatly wanted us to go," Anya pointed out. The Frankenturret chirped and waved its feet in the air. Anya rolled him back onto his belly, and Wheatly led the way out the door, down a short, silent hallway, around a corner, and into a large atrium.

All three girls stopped dead in their tracks.

"Oh my…" Chloe gasped.

The room was swarming with Frankenturrets. The little robots were everywhere, crawling over each other, sitting in piles, pushing Edgeless Safety Cubes across the floor, hopping on and off of buttons…

"Looks like we found their nest," said Alayna.

"It's more like a hangout, really," said a voice to their left. The girls jumped. Sitting there was a Frankenturret with dark brown, uncovered heads.

"Hey there," it said. "Welcome to Frankenturret Central."

"You… You can talk?" said Anya. "Wheatly can't talk."

"Well, he's a _normal _Frankenturret," said the robot. "_I'm _made of defective turrets, fresh off the assembly line after Chell and Wheatley messed it up. Defective turrets talk more than normal turrets. We've got _attitude_." It sounded very pleased with itself.

"But there aren't any talking Frankenturrets in the game," Anya insisted.

"There aren't any Frankenturrets named 'anddroid/wheatley' in the game, either," said the robot. "Like I said, I'm special."

"Your name is anddroid/wheatley," Alayna repeated.

"Yep," said anddroid/wheatley. "Isn't it horrific? Right in a story summary, too. Imagine that being the first thing you see when you look at a story! Anyway, this is where we hang out when we're not on patrol. There're enough of us to keep this place covered and still have a constant party going on. Luckily, we don't need much to stay entertained."

Wheatly chirped and gave its head a little shake.

"What?" said anddroid/wheatley. "I'm just giving them a proper introduction! It's not often I get someone down here who can talk back."

Wheatly chirped again, this time a bit indignantly.

"You know what I meant. People who can talk back using _words. _With you lot, it's all extrapolation from vaguely expressed emotions. Honestly, you have what, four sound bites in total?"

Alayna nudged Chloe. "Look, those ones in the corner are painting. Let's check it out."

"Huh?" Chloe stared at her as though she'd grown another head. "You want to go into that swarm? No one's seen Lauren since Pairings class!"

"Look, these little guys who make up my heads actually have a decent conversation with Chell, unlike those infantile white-faced bots you've got welded to your cube!" anddroid/wheatley replied to Wheatly's latest retort.

"As long as we don't try to glomp or annoy anyone, we should be fine," said Alayna. "It's not like we have to be anywhere. Come on, Anya."

The three girls left the squabbling pair of robots and made their way across the sea of Frankenturrets, edging around what seemed to be a soccer game (Cell had just assisted chhell with a well-timed shot past Glodis, the goalie, making the score Chell-Frankenturrets 2, GLaDOS-Frankenturrets 1) before they reached the corner that was their intended destination. Several cans of paint had been dumped out onto the floor, and about six or seven Frankenturrets were crawling through the many-colored puddle, covering their legs in the liquid pigments and then dragging them across the wall. The pictures on the wall ranged from random scribbles to semi-accurately shaped people and animals.

One Frankenturret, its legs covered in gray and yellow paint, chirped excitedly at the girls' approach, tapping the wall near its latest masterpiece. Alayna knelt down, shifting her sketchbook under her arm, careful not to get any paint on her clothing or paper as she peered at the animal depicted on the wall.

"That's a pretty good lion," she said. "But its face is a bit too pointed… See, if you drew it more like this…"

She began to get out her sketchbook, but the Frankenturret let out an annoyed trill and tapped the wall again.

"But lions' faces are flatter than that!" Alayna insisted. "The way you've got it, it looks like a mouse."

"I think it looks like a rat," said Anya, coming up behind her.

"Yeah," said Chloe. "A rat's head on a lion's body. A rat with a mane… Hold on a sec…"

She looked from the picture to the Frankenturret, which was staring up at her expectantly.

"A _rat _with a _mane_," she repeated. "That wouldn't happen to be your name, would it? _Ratmane._"

Ratmane chirped cheerfully in confirmation.

* * *

><p><strong>Space <strong>_**is**_** nice.**

**Just in case you didn't see the note I added to the first chapter: while all main character slots are taken, if you want a cameo character to pop up somewhere, ****PM a name, gender, favorite character, and personality quirk to either me or Alix.**


	8. In Which We Think With Plotholes

Katz walked down the hall towards the staff room door, nodding at the Frankenturrets (GLADOS, Glados, and gladus) standing guard. She turned the doorknob, pulled the door open—

—and ducked, letting turrent fall to the floor with a thud and an alarmed chirp. A metal ball whizzed past where her head had just been.

"_The government as a legal organization is independent of all religions!_" the yellow-eyed core shouted as it sped down the hall, around the corner, and out of sight.

The Frankenturrets tittered. Katz got back to her feet, cursing the low ceiling and whatever had gotten the Space Core so worked up today as she picked up turrent and entered the staff room. The only staff members she could see were Chell, who was standing in the center of the room as though trying to decide whether to chase after the core, GLaDOS, peering through the screen on the opposite wall that kept a constant video feed to her chamber, and Alix, who was sitting on the couch in front of the T.V. and looking very amused.

"Where're the others?" Agent Katz asked, closing the door behind her and letting turrent wander off; there was nothing he could harm himself with in this room.

"Blue and Orange have taken the students on a Grammar Jog," GLaDOS said. "Although how they will learn anything from the moron shouting comma rules that he does not himself comprehend at them is, miraculously, beyond my comprehension."

"Better him than the Fact Core," Alix pointed out. "Or any of the other cores, for that matter. You can't move, Chell can't talk, Katz doesn't like grammar, and I don't feel like running."

Katz crossed her arms. "What about Space?"

Chell shook her head and pointed at the television, which Alix was again watching instead of answering. Katz turned to GLaDOS and raised her eyebrows.

"The Space Core has an incredibly malleable mind," the AI explained. "Since it lacks the capability of complex thought, being intended only as a distraction to me, it will perceive nearly any idea provided to it as fact, and alter that idea to fit with its fixation on the cosmos and returning there."

Katz nodded slowly. "And the provided idea was…?"

"Your partner was observing a news segment regarding current human political debates when the Space Core entered the room."

"And…?" Katz wasn't sure if she wanted to know, but she had to ask.

Alix burst out laughing.

"Isn't it obvious?" she cackled. "Yesterday he was obsessing over religion; on the T.V. they were talking about the First Amendment, so now he's all upset about the separation of church and space!"

Katz facepalmed. Chell winced sympathetically.

"…I think I'll go see how the Grammar Jog is going," Katz muttered, turning to head back out the door. "Watch turrent for me, will you, Chell?"

Chell nodded and began to look around for the Frankenturret, who was hiding under the table.

"Hey, GLaDOS," Alix said. "Those Cave Johnson soundbites. Are they randomly selected?"

"Yes, they are," GLaDOS replied. "Why do you ask?"

"No reason," the Agent reached for the remote to change the channel. "Just wondering."

* * *

><p>"Nathan, Kikaito, hurry up!" Victor shouted. "We're going to be late!"<p>

Kikaito adjusted his glasses, which kept sliding around on his face, which was still sweaty from the "Grammar Jog". He'd known that Aperture Labs was big from the games, but to run down its endless halls in real life was exhausting. But apprehension of whatever punishment for being late for class the teachers of this university would think up made him increase his pace.

"Are you sure we're going the right way?" Nathan called, still lagging behind.

"Pretty sure," Victor replied. "There's a girl two rooms down from mine who drew a map, and she let me have a look last night."

"So how much farther—?"

Suddenly, a large hole opened in the floor under Nathan, and his sentence went unfinished as he fell through it. The hole snapped shut again with a soft pop.

The other boys stopped and turned around, but the tall fifteen-year-old was nowhere to be seen.

"Where'd he go?" said Victor. "Nathan? Hey, Nathan, where are you?"

"_Cave Johnson here: you lab boys quit your yappin' and get back to work,_" was the only reply, the prerecorded message echoing down the hall.

"He's right," said Kikaito. "We don't have time."

"But where did he go?" Victor asked again, staring down the empty hallway.

* * *

><p>"Where am I?" Nathan wondered aloud. There was no response. He was standing in a small room, just smaller than his Relaxation Chamber. The floor was gray but the walls and ceiling were bright white. Nathan wondered if they were portal-able, not that it would do him much good at the moment, since he had neither a portal gun nor a window or door to escape through. He touched the wall, thinking that maybe there was a secret door somewhere, but the surface was smooth and featureless under his fingers.<p>

"It will begin soon," said a high-pitched voice. Nathan whirled around to see a turret standing at the other end of the room, watching him with a flickering laser. On either side of the turret sat two Frankenturrets. Their cubes were white with pink hearts on the sides. As Nathan stared, the Frankenturrets began to hum softly; Nathan recognized the tune as the song that played whenever Chell picked up the Companion Cube in Portal 2.

"They are Compnion cube and companon coob," the turret answered his unspoken question.

"And… And you are?" said Nathan.

"I'm different."

"Oh, you're the 'No Hard Feelings' turret, right? From the conveyor belt?"

"Correct," said the turret. "I am the Oracle Turret."

"Okay…" Nathan glanced around again. "How do I get out of here?"

"The best way out is usually the way you came in," said the turret.

"But I don't even know how I got here," Nathan protested. "I think I fell in through a hole, but…"

There was a faint popping sound, and a large hole appeared in the wall to his right.

"That was convenient," said Nathan. "I hope. Will that take me back? Or to class? Where will it take me?"

"Faith is a process of leaping into the abyss not on the basis of any certainty about where we shall land, but rather on the belief that we shall land," the turret uttered sagely.

"Mhm…" Nathan studied the hole. "Any other useful advice?"

"Yes," said Oracle. "Be wary of Loki."

"What does that mean?"

"That's all I can say," was the reply.

Nathan glanced back at the Frankenturrets, who provided no useful comments, continuing to hum their little song. The teenager turned back to the hole and stepped forward.

* * *

><p>"Right, so, today we're going to start a series of lessons on pairings that you lot tend to obsess about and why they cannot be possible, or at least are extremely unlikely," Wheatley began. "Our first lesson is about…" he paused dramatically. "…Chelley."<p>

There was much excited muttering. Misty and Celeste looked at each other and grinned.

"Agent Katz has very kindly offered to help me today." Wheatley nodded down at the girl sitting on the desk below him, her feet resting on turrent's cube. "She also wants to help out on the day we discuss WheatDOS, so there's something to look forward to."

Katz pressed a button on a remote in her hands, and on the screen on the wall appeared the words "Ten Reasons Why 'Chelley' Isn't True".

"Hang on, are we just going to talk about why pairings _don't _work?" Kenna asked. "Don't we get to make a case _for_ them?"

"Later in the term we'll talk about writing a decent, functional romance fic," said Wheatley. "But not now. Now is when we tell you why the idea of Chelley is absolutely ridiculous."

Katz pressed the button again, and the first point appeared on the screen below the title:

_1) Chell is a human and Wheatley is an AI core. While inter-species romance is hypothetically possible, it is highly unlikely that a human girl is going to immediately adore the little metal ball hanging from the ceiling, or vice versa._

"Simple as that," said Wheatley. "You know, we could probably end the lesson right there, because I can tell you myself that I'm not one to just fall head-over-heels for the first girl I meet."

Ignoring him, Katz called up the next point.

_2) Wheatley, again, is an AI core, and likely not even capable of love, which is mostly human hormones anyway. AI emotions are artificial._

"Wait, hang on a second!" said Wheatley. "What are you trying to say? I'm plenty capable of love!"

_3) Even if Wheatley were able to comprehend the concept of love and feel such an emotion, he probably would not recognize romantic advances, since he is the Intelligence Dampening Sphere._

"Of course I can recognize romance!" Wheatley protested. "I've had loads of girls fall for me. For example… Um…"

"This is why I wanted to be here today," Katz said as an aside to the students, clearing the screen and moving on to point number four:

_4) Wheatley and Chell have known each other for less than a day by the end of the game. Whatever you may think, love at first sight is not true love. That is lust, ladies and gentlemen, and however brain-damaged Chell might be, she isn't going to look at that little metal ball hanging from the ceiling and think, "Ooh, he's so hot!"_

"Of course love at first sight is true love!" exclaimed Madison Arp. "It's the ultimate element of romance!"

Behind her, Nathan rolled his eyes. "It's ridiculous enough between humans. But Chell and a robot? That's just gross."

Maddi scowled and opened her mouth to protest, but Katz had jumped to her feet, accidently kicking turrent as she did so.

"You!" she said, pointing at Nathan. "That seat was empty just a few minutes ago, and no one's come in through a door since class started. Explain."

Nathan shrugged, a bit self-conscious since everyone was turning to look at him curiously.

"I don't know," he said. "I was running late, and then there was this hole, and I fell in…"

"Oh, _those_." Katz sat down again, one hand rubbing her foot, the other rubbing turrent apologetically. "So they've started to appear."

"So what have started to appear?" Alvin asked.

"Plot holes," Katz explained. "They're empty spaces in plot continuity, places where details have been left out or events are left unexplained. That's how Alix and I got the cast of the game here in the first place, through plot holes." She frowned pensively. "Getting Wheatley and the Space Core back down to Earth was especially tricky. It blew a hole in the plot continuum the size of Belgium… No wonder they're opening up now; we must have left cracks all over…" She trailed off, was silent for a few moments, and then snatched up the remote again.

"Moving on!"

_5) Wheatley is prejudiced against humans. He thinks they're smelly and says so to Chell's face. Granted, he tries to apologize for the comment afterwards, but obviously struggles to find an aspect of humanity to compliment._

_6) Wheatley does not show much care for Chell's well-being in the game, even early on. While some of this might be obliviousness from his programmed idiocy, his suggestion that he turn Chell in so that GLaDOS won't kill him, instead of fixing the turret production line, is just plain rude._

_7) Wheatley is insensitive to others' feelings. It is surprising that Chell doesn't slap him for all the times he mentions her brain damage. Of course, the insensitive comments are due to his aforementioned programmed idiocy, but lack of thinking is a handicap to any relationship._

"All right, you've had your fun," Wheatley grumbled. "Can we stop attacking every little thing I say and move on to some other topic?"

"There's only one more you might not like," Katz assured him.

_8) Wheatley tried to kill Chell multiple times. Wanting to be in a serious relationship with the guy who tried to kill you even once is neither sane nor healthy. Period._

"I _am _sorry for trying to kill her…" said Wheatley.

"It's okay, Wheatley; you're forgiven!" Curtis called.

"Hey…thanks."

_9) At no time does Chell show any particular affection towards Wheatley, either. She might be following him in the first half of the game for company. She might be following him in the first half of the game because she has no idea how to get out and he might have a plan. She is not following him around because she is in love with him._

_10) In Chell's final encounter with Wheatley, she is not sympathetic to him. She does not attempt to negotiate. She doesn't try to beg for mercy. She does not hesitate; she launches bombs at him, shoves cores onto his mainframe, and when that fails blasts him to the moon. She does not try to save him; in fact, she pulls him through the portal herself. Chell is not in love with Wheatley; he was a threat for her to get rid of._

"So there you have it," said Wheatley. "Ten reasons why Chelley isn't true. Besides the fact that it's just plain ridiculous. Class dismissed!"

* * *

><p>"The first meeting of the 'Why Chelley is True' club has now officially come to order!" Celeste announced, banging on the desk in front of her with her fist for lack of a gavel. Since there was no lunch today, which for some strange reason didn't bother the fourteen- (almost-fifteen-) year-old (unbeknownst to the students, GLaDOS had pumped adrenal vapor into their Relaxation Chambers that morning), there was time to hold a club meeting. She and Misty had found an ideal empty room and spread the word to the group of students that now sat in front of her.<p>

"This club exists for one reason, one very important reason," she continued, sitting in the office chair and leaning forward seriously. "To provide a response to the outrageous allegations made by a certain Agent, who today provided so-called evidence to the nonexistence of a relationship between Chell and Wheatley. We, who hold the truth, know otherwise."

Misty grinned. Her friend was obviously having fun in her Club President role.

"Today we will begin to compile a list of reasons why Chelley is, in fact, true," said Celeste. "First and foremost being that they are so adorable together. Any questions or comments so far?"

Liduen raised her hand. "I heard that there's a ChellDOS meeting down the hall, and Alex was offering his room as a place for a WheatDOS club to meet."

"Blasphemers," said Misty.

"Who could love GLaDOS?" Lauren added, tracing designs in the desk in front of her with her pocket knife. "She's fecking psychotic. Seriously."

"Says the girl with the knife," Lanyon muttered from his seat by the door, wondering why he was there.

"Hey!" Lauren snapped. "Cutsy's special."

"Okay, I take that back," said Lanyon. "I should have said, 'Says the girl who _named _her knife.'"

Lauren snarled. Celeste wished she had a gavel so that she could call the meeting back to order.

* * *

><p>"Sorry I'm late!" Mystmoon said, running into the Relaxation Chamber. "I ran into some CaveCaroline fans in the cafeteria."

"That's fine," said Chloe. "Have a seat."

Mystmoon sat down on the bed next to Ash, who smiled shyly.

Alex was sitting in the desk chair, his drumsticks out and clicking a beat against the desktop.

"So here we are," he said, his words somehow flowing with the rhythm on the wood. "It's only a matter of time before that Agent takes on WheatDOS, so we gotta be on the alert. We gotta have our arguments thought out. So let's get thinking."

"Wheatley's funny," said Chloe. "He'd wear even GLaDOS down eventually."

"She's got to be lonely, too, since Chell left," Mystmoon added. "A happy little guy is just what she needs."

Ash opened her mouth to say something, but then her eyes fell on the open door and she gasped. The others looked to see the Morality Core hanging from the ceiling, staring at them with its intense purple gaze. For several moments, all was silent. Then the core turned and continued on down the hall.

"…did anyone else just get a sense of foreboding?" Alex asked.

* * *

><p>A panel slid open in the wall and Core!Wheatley crawled into the staff room. He looked around; all of the staff members were sitting around the table (or, in GLaDOS's case, looking in through her screen). No one was talking. Everyone was glaring.<p>

Core!Wheatley edged over to where turrent was sitting in the corner.

_Did I miss something? _he asked.

_Not much, _turrent replied. _An argument._

_Ah. Are they going to do something about the pairing club meetings?_

_That's what they were arguing over. _Turrent waved a leg towards the table. _Alix wanted to throw half of them into Android Hell as examples to the rest. Katz said no, the point was for the students to learn to see the flaws in their obsessions and come away on their own, and they won't learn if we just punish them. It just got worse from there. GLaDOS wanted to solve the problem with neurotoxin. ATLAS and P-body proposed testing, which no one really thinks they're ready for. And Wheatley's said a lot of nothing._

_I see… _Core!Wheatley mused. _So instead of doing anything about the meetings, they're just stubbornly sitting there, because they can't agree on _how _to stop the meetings._

_Yep._


	9. In Which a Brick is Thrown

"You'd think we wouldn't have to have class on Saturdays," Corah said, pulling out her DS as she jumped up to sit on the stage in the Quad. "The Quad" was the room where Orientation had been held; Daren had dubbed it "the Quad" because of its apparent central location in the school, and the name had spread quickly.

"If it really is a Saturday," Kenna pointed out. "For all we know, it could be any day."

"Well, it's day six of us being here, and according to our schedules we don't have class on days seven, fourteen, twenty-one, etcetera, I'm assuming those days are Sundays, and this day is Saturday."

Kenna shrugged. "Works for me."

Emily was sitting on the floor nearby, reading something on her laptop.

"Whatcha doing?" Kenna asked, plopping herself down in front of the younger girl.

"Um… Reviewing my notes…" Emily replied. "Wheatley said we might get tested soon, so…"

"Hey, do you think he meant tested like class, or tested like with portal guns and turrets and such?" Corah asked without looking up from her handheld game.

Kenna's eyes lit up. "Ooh, I hope the latter! I'll finally get to do some real science!"

She set her own laptop down on the floor and tilted Emily's screen back towards her. "What exactly are you reviewing?"

"From yesterday. 'Seven Reasons Why ATLAS/P-body is Not Romantic.'"

"'_5) Emotional attachment is by no means the same thing as romantic love_,'" Kenna read aloud. "'_While there is no arguing the fact that the robots are a team and care for each other (to whatever extent robots can care for each other, see point 3) by the end of the game, there are such things as close friendship and platonic love._'"

"It's true," Corah added. "I write ChellDOS, yeah, but it's always a mother-daughter or friends relationship. I can see them becoming friendly, since they're even now, but anything else is just over the top, you know? Those sex-obsessed fanatics in the ChellDOS fan club next door are crazy."

Then the wall behind her slid open and the yellow-eyed core came speeding in across the ceiling.

"Order!" it shouted. "Space congress will now come to order! In space! To vote on space laws! Space! Space! Spaaace!"

Suddenly, a plot hole opened in the ceiling, the core fell up through it, and then the hole closed again, and all was silent.

The three girls stared at each other.

"…What was that?" Corah asked.

* * *

><p>"This is an apostrophe," GLaDOS said as the little comma-like shape appeared on the screen beside her. "It is the punctuation mark that is most frequently abused by you pathetic excuses for writers, shortly followed by the overworked exclamation point and the poor, neglected comma.<p>

"Apostrophes are used to indicate omission or possession. Words with letters omitted are known as 'contractions,' and the apostrophe is always placed at the spot where the letter or letters have been removed. Examples of this include _don't_ as an alternative for _do not_, _isn't_ as an alternative for _is not_, and _you're _as an alternative for _you are_. Do not confuse _you're _as in _you are _with _your _as in _object that belongs to you_ or _yore _as in _of the far distant past._ They are not the same thing."

Her tone conveyed a silent "or else." Several students shuddered and underlined their notes.

"The other way to use an apostrophe is to indicate possession. For singular possession, that is one person owning one object, place the apostrophe before the _s_. For example: _The turret's gun is loaded._"

As the A.I. spoke, the example sentence appeared on the wall screen.

"If the person owning the object has an _s _sound at the end of their name, place the apostrophe at the end of the name and then add another _s_. For example: _ATLAS's chances of surviving this test chamber are slim. _If the object is implied but not directly or immediately stated, the apostrophe should still be used. For example: _That is your partner's, not your, blood._"

Amelia thought she saw a trend in the examples GLaDOS was using.

"For plural possession, that is more than one person owning one or more objects, make the noun plural first and then immediately use the apostrophe. If the pluralized noun ends with an _s_, do not add another _s. _For example: _The children's test results were inferior to the robots' results_.

"If two people are in possession of the same object, use the apostrophe and _s_ after the second name only. For example: _ATLAS and P-body's likelihood of solving this test chamber is very small. _If you are indicating separate ownership of objects, place an apostrophe and _s _after each name. For example: _ATLAS's and P-body's portal guns have been confiscated._"

On the other hand, thought Amelia, that last sentence was not especially morbid.

The AI paused and then continued. "Now I will tell you about situations in which you pathetic excuses for writers often use apostrophes even though you pathetic excuses for writers should not use apostrophes in these situations."

_Fifth floor: Department of Redundancy Department, _thought Daren.

"Do not use an apostrophe when you pluralize a name. For example: _The Johnsons are evaluating your performance_ is correct. _The Johnson's are evaluating your performance _is incorrect.

"Never use an apostrophe with possessive pronouns such as _his, hers, its, _and _theirs. _Possessive pronouns already show possession and therefore do not require an apostrophe. For example: _Those abysmal results are yours, not theirs _is correct. _Those abysmal results are your's, not their's _is incorrect.

"The only time an apostrophe is used for _it's _is when it is a contraction for _it is _or _it has_. For example: _It's been a long time. How have you been? _Also for example: _It's a wonderful day for testing._ Without an apostrophe, _its_ indicates possession. For example: _The test subject's refusal to finish the test was its last action._

"This concludes your lesson on the apostrophe. This innocent punctuation mark is now in your hands. Please take care of it."

* * *

><p>"Could it be?" Alysen whispered, staring wide-eyed at the object on her lunch tray. It was a hamburger, a nice, thick meat patty on a sesame seed bun.<p>

"Looks real," said Amelia.

"It could be more cafeteria junk made to _look _like real food," Daren pointed out.

Amelia's stomach rumbled. "_Smells _real," she added.

"Then it might have nanobots in it, or that stuff that turns your blood into peanut oil, or… or something…"

It was very difficult to continue to be suspicious of the first delicious-looking thing the students had seen since they had first arrived at the school. While they weren't hungry every day, hardly being able to eat on the days that they _were _hungry was not easy.

"Other people are eating," Amelia observed.

"I'm eating," Alysen announced, picking up her hamburger and taking a large bite.

"How is it?" Daren asked.

Alysen nodded. "Famtashtik," she mumbled through a mouthful of burger and bun.

Daren and Amelia began to eat, and for a while the only sounds they made were that of satisfied chewing.

"Enjoying?" Agent Alix said, suddenly appearing behind Daren.

Alysen swallowed. "Oh, yes!" she said. "Yes I am!"

"What's with the cruddy food every other day?" Daren demanded.

"What's with the cruddy food every other day?" Alix parroted, mimicking his voice.

"Honestly, this is exactly what you sound like," she continued to the students' stares. "Isn't it annoying? Especially with you complaining all the time. Is it that your feet are cold, what keeps you in this mood?"

"Cut it out!" Daren said. "It's not _that _accurate. More like a bad recording, really."

"No, it's _perfectly _accurate," Alix insisted, still using his voice. "Not that you've ever thought about anything at this level, but what you actually hear when you talk is mostly the vibrations in your skull, not the actual sound everyone else hears. So you have _no idea _what you sound like. But I do.

"And I bet these two agree with me," she added, nodding at Alysen and Amelia. Without waiting for a response, the Agent turned and walked away.

Daren glared down at the crumbs on his plate. "I _hate _this school," he muttered.

* * *

><p>Katz was lying on her back on the carpet of her room, which was surprisingly comfortable. Her hand was resting on turrent's leg.<p>

"You know why I like portal guns?" she said suddenly, turning her head to look at the Frankenturret.

Turrent made a noncommittal chirp.

"It's because they don't hurt anyone," Katz replied. "I mean, sure, you _can _hurt someone by sending them through portals in the wrong way, but it's not like you point the portal gun at someone and bam, they're hurt. Not like with normal guns. I hate normal guns.

"Now you, little robot, don't have a gun," she continued. "Ordinary turrets do. Ordinary turrets hurt people. But Frankenturrents don't. _You _don't. And you're kinda cute, too. All in all, you're a good little robot."

Turrent was silent for several moments, and then he let out a sound that was something akin to purring. Katz grinned and patted his leg.

"_Just a heads up: we're gonna have a superconductor turned up full blast and pointed at you for the duration of this next test._" Cave Johnson's voice sounded over the speakers. Katz rolled her eyes.

"_I'll be honest,_" the recording continued,"_we're throwing science at the wall here to see what sticks. No idea what it'll do. Probably nothing. Best-case scenario, you might get some superpowers. Worst case, some more of those disgusting little Frankenturrets will show up, which we'll throw in the incinerator_."

Katz sat bolt upright as turrent let out a screech of alarm. She stroked his cube soothingly, but she was staring at the speaker on the wall with wide eyes.

The Agent thought back through every minute of Portal 2 dialogue she could remember, becoming more and more confused the more she searched her memory.

"Cave Johnson _never_ saw a Frankenturret…" she muttered.


	10. In Which We Cross Over

**This chapter was additionally co-written by JasonChurch, our Agent J. and resident Half-Life expert.**

* * *

><p>Agent Katz clicked on the file marked "Unused Cave Johnson Lines" and began to read the page, her eyes quickly scanning each line.<p>

"Magnetic skeletons…Three-dimensional space…Eyeball surgery…" she muttered as she continued down the page. But while plenty—scratch that, while _all _of the statements recorded there were insane, not one of them mentioned Frankenturrets, which made sense because Wheatley had made the Frankenturrets years after Cave Johnson's death. What didn't make sense was why a recording of Cave Johnson had him mentioning Frankenturrets…

Agent Alix popped up from behind the monitor. "We've got a problem," she said.

"Yes, we do," Katz agreed, closing the file.

"Chell asked you about Half-Life, too?" said Alix.

Katz looked up. "What?"

"First on the BC&C syllabus for this week is a lesson about Half-Life, you know, the world outside Aperture?" Alix explained. "But Chell doesn't know anything about Half-Life 'cause she's been in Aperture her entire canon. So we've got a problem."

"True." Katz leaned back in her chair. "Do we know anyone who can teach that?"

"Well, since it's not like we can just go to the PPC and ask for help—"

"Because of what _you_ did the last time we applied, might I point out—"

"—our best bet is to call upon another freelancer," Alix continued, ignoring her partner's comment. "So I have a plan."

"Do tell."

"Remember the first time we applied for PPC? There was a guy in our group who kept going on about using Headcrabs to punish bad writers."

"That sounds…promising," said Katz. "So what was his name? Do you have his phone number?"

"Um…" Alix hesitated. "No, but we can find it out!"

"And how do you propose we do that?" Katz asked.

"By hacking the PPC's application database, of course," Alix replied matter-of-factly.

Katz's eyebrows rose. "That is a phenomenally bad idea."

"You got a better one?"

* * *

><p>Victor glanced around his room again. It was quiet. All morning it had been quiet. No blaring alarm, no bossy AIs, nothing. It was unnerving. He had listened to music on his smartphone for a while, but the external silence was starting to get to him…<p>

Suddenly, a hole opened in the wall across from him and two boys fell through. Victor jumped, falling backwards onto his bed.

It took a while for everyone to get up again, but then Victor realized that Nathan and Kikaito were suddenly in his Relaxation Chamber.

"Good morning!" said Nathan cheerfully.

"Um, how did you…?" Victor said, looking at the now-blank wall.

"I've been experimenting," Nathan explained. "Ever since I fell through that first plot hole, I've been seeing them everywhere. But that's the first time I've opened one!"

"You opened a plot hole into my room?" said Victor.

"Looks like it." Kikaito shrugged. "It's a bit disorienting…but hey, we've discovered teleportation!"

"Let's try again," said Nathan. "You want to come?" he added to Victor.

"Sure," said Victor. "Back to your room, this time?"

"I'll try."

Nathan looked at the wall for a few seconds, turning his head at various angles.

"There's one!" he finally shouted. "Here we go!"

As he spoke, the plot hole appeared, and the three boys jumped through—

—and they landed in a heap in another Relaxation Chamber, where three very surprised girls were staring at them.

"Oops," Nathan muttered. "Wrong room…"

The boys ran for the door, only to find their way blocked by the tallest of the girls.

"Nuh-uh!" There was a wide grin on Kenna's face and an excited gleam in her eye. "First, you tell us how you did that!"

* * *

><p>Early the next morning, a young man walked through a field of wheat. He wore dark blue jeans, black casual shoes, rimmed glasses that were the same shade of blue as his jeans, and an army green collared shirt. He was armed; there was a red crowbar hanging at his waist and a shotgun slung over his back. Arriving at an old shed, he looked the small building over carefully before knocking on the door.<p>

After a moment, the door swung open. The man stepped inside and the door closed behind him again. Then the floor began to descend, and the man settled down to wait as the elevator took him down through the levels of Aperture. Once every few floors he saw the red glow of a turret's laser, but none shot at him.

Eventually, the elevator stopped in a large chamber. Along the shadowy walls were many blue lights, like hundreds of eyes staring at him. In the center of the chamber, a large white AI hung from the ceiling, her own yellow eye trained on the newcomer as well.

"Hello," said the man.

"Hello," GLaDOS replied. "You must be Agent J."

"Yes, that is me." Agent J. stepped off of the elevator and looked around. "So this is the infamous Aperture Science Enrichment Center."

"You are expected," the AI said, acting as if she hadn't heard him. A previously unseen hallway was suddenly illuminated at the far end of the room.

"Follow the hallway, and you will be met by Fanfiction Enrichment Seminar personnel," GLaDOS instructed.

"All right," Agent J. said, nodding. "See you around."

The man walked casually around the AI and out of her chamber. A door slid shut behind him. He glanced back at it, shrugged, and kept walking. For several minutes he walked down a hallway with neither doors nor windows; the only features marking his progress were the Frankenturrets stationed every few yards.

Finally, he arrived in the staff room, where he saw two girls at a table playing checkers, another girl typing at a computer, and two robots near the center of the room playing pool.

One of the girls playing checkers, the one wearing a jean jacket, looked up and saw him.

"Hey, he's here!" she announced, pushing back her chair and standing up.

"I'm Agent Alix," she continued, walking up to him. "Welcome to Aperture!"

They shook hands.

"I am Agent J.," the man introduced himself.

"We know; we saw you come in," Alix said. "That's my partner, Agent Katz, at the computer, and this is Chell, our Player Character. She teaches Basic Canon and Characterization."

Chell, who had come up behind Alix, nodded at Agent J.

"So I will be helping you teach your class today," Agent J. said. "I have a presentation of Xen life prepared; the Headcrab should be delivered soon. I was thinking that a student would participate in a live demonstration of the Headcrab's abilities."

Alix grinned wickedly.

"No." Agent Katz turned her computer chair around to face them.

"But we can reboot them from a backup immediately afterward!" Alix protested.

"_No_," Katz repeated, crossing her arms. "We are not going to set Headcrabs on the students."

"Of course we are not going to set Headcrabs on the students," said Agent J. "Just one Headcrab, on one student."

Alix nodded excitedly. Katz rolled her eyes.

"Let's leave putting the students in danger to GLaDOS, okay?" she said. "We're going to start testing soon."

"All right," Alix sighed. "Chell, why don't you show J. your classroom?"

"That would be greatly appreciated," Agent J. said.

Chell nodded and motioned for Agent J. to follow her.

After the door had closed behind them, Alix turned to Katz.

"Do you think that guy ever uses contractions?" she asked.

* * *

><p>The students filed into the classroom, expecting it to look like it always did. It didn't. Chell was there, but she was leaning against the wall instead of standing at the podium. There was a raised stage now, which held the podium and a cloth-covered crate about the size and shape of a dog crate, which shook as if something were alive inside. Standing at the front of the stage was someone that none of the teens had seen before. Some of the students started whispering about the crowbar at the man's waist and the shotgun on his back.<p>

"Hello students. Please come in and sit down," Agent J. said. He was chewing gum; it made small noises that punctuated his speech. The teens complied, casting curious looks towards both Agent J. and the crates.

Once they were all seated, Agent J. spoke again. "Now, I am sure you are curious as to who I am and what this crate is here for. As to the first, you can call me Agent J. I am an independent contractor for the PPC's Expanded Universe Division. Agents Alix and Katz asked me here to talk to you about the world outside of Aperture Laboratories; at least during the first game. Does anyone here know if Portal is a standalone universe?" Alice raised her hand. "Yes?" Agent J. said, pointing.

"Isn't Black Mesa in the Portal universe?"

"There's no game called Black Mesa," Maddi replied derisively.

"There's a game _set_ in Black Mesa," Alice insisted.

Agent J. jumped in to stop a fight from breaking out, "Yes, there is a game set in and around the Black Mesa facility. This game is called Half-Life. Now, have any of you wondered why no one came to Aperture Science's aid when GLaDOS took over and killed all the scientists?"

"Because no one got a message out, and so no one knew to come?" Sparkle guessed.

"Because no one cared about Aperture?" Sophie chimed in.

The students laughed a little but glanced nervously at the Frankenturrets near the door.

"Good thoughts, but no," Agent J. said. "The reason is twofold. First the Black Mesa incident was a more pressing issue than the Aperture incident; while dangerous, GLaDOS was unable to affect the world outside of her facility. The second reason was the Combine. That's COM-bine as in combine harvester; not com-BINE, as in addition."

"Who are the Combine?" Hakkari asked, just as Curtis piped up, "What happened at Black Mesa?

"I will get to the Combine in a minute," Agent J. said, "The Black Mesa Incident took place on May 16th, two-thousand-and-something. The exact year is unknown, but it is between 2000 and 2009." Curtis opened his mouth to ask the obvious question, but Agent J. did not give him the chance. "Just accept the fact that it happened then; it is canon."

"Now that we have the when, we move on to the what. What was the Black Mesa incident and why was it so important? Well, the reason that it happened was due to the race between Aperture Science and Black Mesa to develop teleportation. Aperture was working on quantum tunnels, while Black Mesa was experimenting with exotic particles and anti-mass."

The students looked confused, but J. did not elaborate.

"Needless to say, this did not work out very well. Black Mesa tested a Xen crystal with their anti-mass spectrometer and it caused an event that made many creatures from Xen, a place in another dimension, to appear throughout Black Mesa…"

A green light appeared and condensed into a ball of energy next to Agent J. A moment later there was a green flash and there was a creature standing where the ball had been. The creature was vaguely humanoid, but obviously alien. It had one big eye stretching almost the entire width of its head and three smaller eyes: one above the big one, and one on either side of its head. All of the eyes were orange. It had three arms, two long and positioned normally, but then a small one sticking out of its chest. The creature's mouth had pointed teeth, and there were two round protrusions on either side of its head.

"…kind of like that," Agent J. said calmly. He turned to the creature and said, "That was excellent timing, Uriah."

"The Jason asked that I be here at this exact moment, and so here I am."

"Very true, thank you," Agent J. responded, turning to look back at the class. All were pressed up against the backs of their chairs and were staring wide eyed at the creature. Even Chell looked shocked.

Agent J. smiled at their reaction. "Do not be alarmed," he said. "This is a Vortigaunt; they are friendly as long as no one attacks them. This is not true for most of the creatures found throughout Half-Life. Unfortunately, I was unable to bring examples of most of these creatures, with the exception of a Headcrab.

Agent J. walked over to the crate, unslinging the shotgun as he did.

"This," he said, "is a Headcrab."

He pulled off the cloth and the students shrank even further back into their seats as a head-sized creature leapt at the bars. The Headcrab had a circular lipless mouth, and a few of the students saw a beak protrude and hit the cage door.

"Agent Katz has prohibited me from demonstrating the particulars of what the Headcrabs can do, fortunately for you," J. said. "They can turn people into zombies that will attempt to kill anyone around them."

"Is that crate secure enough?" Alysen asked in a frightened tone.

"It should be sufficient," Agent J. replied.

"Should?" more than one student echoed.

Agent J. ignored them and continued. "Now we are going to move on the more important topic of this class, the Combine. Does anyone here know anything about the Combine?"

"I'm going to guess they have to do with Black Mesa!" Hakkari said excitedly.

"Actually they are fighting against the remnants of the Black Mesa scientists. The Combine are an inter-dimensional empire that invaded earth sometime after the Black Mesa incident," Agent J. said solemnly. "It took only seven hours for them to take over the world. It is after the Combine came in and took most of the world's fresh water, and made Earth one of its worlds, that the events of Portal take place. The combine are ruthless and modify the dominant species on each world they conquer so as to further subject the people, and not over-extend their military. This is where the events of Half-Life 2 and the two episodes that follow it, take place. Does anyone have any questions about the Combine?"

"What was that about the water?" Starr asked.

"The world's fresh water was stolen," Agent J. said simply, "This entire class period is really only useful if you believe that not too much time has passed between the two Portal games, or if your story takes place between the games. The time that passed between the games is…"

Suddenly, Agent J. put his finger to his earlobe and seemed to listen very intently, as though he were wearing a headset.

"They did what?" Agent J. said after a moment. "... I'll be there ASAP… Lock down sections C and D, and flush the ventilation shafts. Agent J. out."

He turned towards the students. "Class is dismissed." He then turned to Chell. "Is it possible for you to communicate to either Agent that there was an incident involving some interns and poorly designed cages back at HQ, and that I had to leave before the end of my lesson? Tell them that I will return if they need me to, but I need to clean up this mess first."

Chell nodded, and then Agent J., Uriah, and the Headcrab in its crate disappeared in another flash of green light.


	11. In Which Alysen (and Patience) is Tested

The radio music woke Alysen like it had nearly every day, although it seemed a bit softer than usual. _Or maybe I'm just getting used to it, _she thought, not opening her eyes yet.

"_Hello, and welcome to your first session of Aperture Science Fanfiction Enrichment Testing,_" she heard GLaDOS's voice over the P.A. system.

_Wait, what?_

Alysen opened her eyes and was nearly blinded by the bright lights above her. She sat up, blinking to clear her vision, and slowly realized that she was in a large glass box along with a bed and a toilet.

"No way…"

"_Assessments of your performance in Applied Physics class indicate that you are prepared for a basic testing environment,_" GLaDOS continued."_The portal will open in three, two, one._"

An orange portal opened in the wall in front of her. Okay, she was in testing, just like in the game. She could handle that.

"When do I get a portal gun?" Alysen asked. There was no reply. She remembered having to wait a long time to get a gun in the game; exactly how long she didn't know, but it had to have been more than three test chambers. And then it only shot blue portals.

At least they weren't yucky orange-colored portals, like this one…

She glanced through the portal and saw herself. There was another one of her to her right, looking out of a blue portal. That was weird. It was one thing seeing Chell in more than one place at once, since she was only a bunch of pixels, after all, but a real person, _herself_…

Alysen shook her head and stepped through the portal. The herself in front of her moved to the right and vanished.

"Now there's only one of me," she said as she made her way around the glass box. "Just me, myself, and I…"

She stopped short when she came face-to-face—face-to-eye?—with a camera. It swiveled to get a better look at her.

_GLaDOS is on the other end of that, _Alysen thought.

"Um, hi," she said. "When do I get a portal gun?"

The camera did not respond, so Alysen shrugged continued down the hall, through a door, and into a small room that contained a Super Button and a cube dispenser.

"You know, I can skip the easy levels," she said to the camera above the door. "I know this already."

GLaDOS remained ever-silent. Obviously, the AI hadn't realized her subject's talent. It had gone much more smoothly for Princess Sunshine in her fanfiction.

Fine. She'd do this test chamber, and GLaDOS would be so impressed that she'd move her up to a better level.

Alysen strode confidently to stand under the cube dispenser.

Something made sharp impact with the top of her head, and then everything went dark.

* * *

><p>GLaDOS sighed. Test Subject One (Allison, Alysen) had made zero progress today. In fact, she was dead, the bones of her head crushed by a Weighted Storage Cube. There was a warning label on the floor that clearly described the dangers of standing directly under a dispensing cube dispenser.<p>

"They simply do not make test subjects the way they used to, now do they?" she commented to the room in general. P-body looked up and made a questioning sound.

"There was once a time when the majority of test subjects survived their first chamber," GLaDOS explained. "Of course, you would not be aware of such an experience, now would you, Orange?"

The cooperative testing robot hesitated, trying to decide whether or not it had been insulted. Finally it shrugged and returned its attentions to the small, many-colored cube in its hands. Agent Alix had been playing with it earlier; supposedly, if one twisted the rows and columns in the correct sequence, the result would be a cube with solid-colored sides.

P-body wasn't used to puzzles that couldn't be solved with a portal gun. She'd tried firing a portal at the white squares, but they hadn't held. Apparently Rubik's Cubes were not painted with Aperture Science gels.

GLaDOS sent commands to the test chambers; the floor panels flipped over, disposing of the teenager's body and hiding the stained side. Then she selected Test Subject One's backup from the copy folder and downloaded it, adding minor alterations for recent memory updates.

A door opened in the test chamber wall and Alysen was shoved through. She blinked uncertainly a few times before approaching the cube dispenser, more cautiously this time. At least she appeared to have some capacity to learn from experience. GLaDOS would have preferred to simply have disposed of the body, recorded Test Subject One's progress, and moved on to Test Subject Two (Anderson, Joshua), but Agent Katz had been very adamant that the students were to be kept alive if at all possible.

In the AI's opinion, there was no better teacher than death, but she had agreed. _Why _she had agreed was unclear. Perhaps a few memories of Caroline lingered on inside her workings, with human compassion attached.

Compassion. What a useless concept. Nearly everything about humans was useless.

"The only useful thing about humans is their use as test subjects," GLaDOS said aloud.

P-body murmured pensively. She had managed to get eight orange squares onto the same side; one corner remained stubbornly red.

* * *

><p>Alysen dragged herself into BC&amp;C class just before it began, dropping into a seat between Amelia and Darren with a sigh of relief.<p>

"Where've you been?" Amelia demanded. "You weren't at breakfast, and you missed Applied Physics…"

"Good," said Alysen. "I've had enough of testing."

"You've been _testing?_" Kenna, who was sitting in the row behind her, leaned forward. "How did it go?"

"It was horrible," Alysen moaned. "The levels are so much harder in person. I kept getting hurt!"

"_On that note, let's begin the class."_

The students had learned by that point to quiet down at the sound of Chell typing. A few tentatively put their hands over their ears, just in case.

"_Testing is not as easy as sitting at a computer and clicking a mouse," _the former test subject continued. _"Testing is dangerous."_

"If it's so dangerous, then why are you putting students in testing?" Maddi asked.

"_A writer's best tool is experience. The only experience gained from sitting at a computer is that of sitting at a computer. Testing requires great physical endurance, quick thinking, and above all, tenacity: the refusal to give up. Without some idea of these concepts, writing about them with any amount of quality is impossible. While some gain this experience through events that require similar concepts, such as school and sports, at this school you have the unique opportunity to experience the real Aperture Science testing."_

"But it isn't real," Maddi interjected again.

Chell looked vaguely amused. _"You're in the Enrichment Center, talking to me. Is that not real enough for you?"_

"I mean non-fiction, of course." Maddi was not about to let go of her end of the argument. "Stuff that's _really _reality."

"_Is reality all that matters?"_

"Reality matters more than fiction."

"_Then why is there fiction?"_

"I don't know, to entertain us. That's it. It isn't really useful, it's just fun."

"_Because fiction isn't 'really reality.'"_

"That's right, it isn't!" Maddi stated, very proud of herself.

Chell tapped her chin thoughtfully, smiled to herself, and began to type again. She was prepared for this lecture.

"_MadisonArp is right in that there is useless fiction, but not in that all fiction is useless. Just because something isn't 'real' doesn't mean it isn't useful in reality. The right story in the right place, written the right way, can be the key to inspiration or satisfaction. Stories teach lessons: from ancient myths to fairy tales to more modern novels, stories tell readers about different ways to live and the consequences of doing so. Without those lessons, who would know how to act? Stories inspire dreams: a well-written romance or adventure, while one may be fluffy and the other melodramatic, can show a reader the great possibilities that life might offer. Without those dreams, who would strive for better? Stories provide experience, too. Truly good fiction is taking an experience, the events and emotions, and granting them to a reader, someone who would not have had that experience otherwise. And that is a very precious gift. Humans don't live all that long. If we're lucky, we get a few decades. If all we had were our own experiences, that less than a century of life, what would we know? Where would we be? Dead even sooner, most likely. Never dreaming, never trying to make the world a better place, because all we would know is what was right in front of us. Fiction, therefore, is a powerful tool. If the writing is poor, then it is of no use to the reader; it can even be dangerous, if the wrong message is delivered._

"_It's no different with fanfiction. One initial story can be used to make many new stories, stories that will teach lessons, inspire dreams, and grant experience. For obvious reasons, I happen to be personally invested in Portal fanfiction. I'm here to help you write better, so that you will enrich both your readers and yourselves. Now, are there any questions?"_

* * *

><p>"Seriously?" Alix slapped the paper down on the table in front of Katz, who glanced at it. It was a printout of Chell's lecture from earlier that day.<p>

"What about it?"

"That's all you right there, preaching your philosophy," the jean-clad Agent complained. "It isn't relevant!"

"I think it is, and Chell agreed when I suggested she bring it up," Katz explained.

"It doesn't teach them how to write Portal fanfiction; therefore, it is a waste of class time," Alix insisted.

"This from the girl who thinks that turning students with names like 'Starr' and 'Ash' into the inanimate objects they're named for is, somehow, useful for teaching them how to write Portal fanfiction."

"No, that's just for my own amusement. Which you have been consistently denying me."

Katz rolled her eyes. "Oh, go watch Alysen bash her head in twenty more times."

"What's with you today?" said Alix. "You're so snide. If I didn't know better, I'd say you were going OOC, or worse. You're not AU!Katz, are you?" she added jokingly.

"It's Cave who's gone AU," Katz sighed.

Alix shook her head. "Ah, yes. That prerecorded message you told me about. I told you I hadn't heard it, remember?"

"Yeah, you did. And I checked all the folders—"

"—again?" Alix interjected. "Come on, Katz—"

"—and there's no sign of it," Katz finished. "It's like I imagined it."

Alix shrugged. "Maybe you did."

"Maybe I did," Katz sighed.

Something bumped against the back of Alix's legs. She jumped in surprise and then frowned.

"Will you tell that thing to stop following me?" she demanded, striding across the room and out the door with Core!Wheatley in cheerful pursuit.

Katz laughed softly and reached down to pet turrent.

"Maybe I did," she said again. Turrent chirped reassuringly.


	12. In Which We Learn Right, Almost, and Not

Kenna knocked again on Corah's Relaxation Chamber door, frustrated at her friend's lack of response.

"Are you awake?" she called. "Come on, Corah, we're gonna be late!"

Again there was silence. On a whim, she tried the doorknob, and the door swung open.

"Woah!"

There was no room on the other side of the door. Kenna teetered on the edge of the doorway for a moment before bracing her hands against the frame.

"Are you okay?" Emily asked anxiously.

"Yeah," Kenna replied, staring down the chasm in front of her. The Extended Relaxation Center was _massive_; the floor was too distant to be seen. That is, assuming that there _was _a floor. In Aperture, one could never be too sure.

The twenty-one-year-old stepped back from the edge, and Emily glanced through the open doorway nervously.

"Where did her room go?" she asked.

"Corah must be testing today!" Kenna exclaimed jealously. "Lucky girl!"

Emily stared at her classmate. She, for one, was not looking forward to the day she woke up in a test chamber. The Portal games were fun, and she had understood Chell's lecture from earlier in the week about the importance of experience, but still…some experiences, especially uncertain ones, were best avoided.

Kenna sighed. "I guess we'll have to go on without her. Let's go, Emily."

The tall girl had just turned to walk down the hallway, when suddenly—

"The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug."

Both girls jumped at the high-pitched voice. There was a turret sitting in the middle of the hallway behind them. It regarded them silently for a moment with its single red eye, which flickered every few seconds. "Mark Twain," it concluded. "I thought you should know."

Kenna grinned widely. "The Different Turret!"

"Different turret?" Emily asked

"Portal 2, Chapter Five," Kenna explained. "You save it on its way to Redemption."

Emily nodded. "I remember."

"Where did you spring from?" Kenna approached the turret curiously. "Did you come through a plothole?"

"That's all I can say," said Oracle.

"I've been trying to open one since those boys fell into my room," Kenna continued, "but all attempts have proved unsuccessful. Got any tips for me?"

"That's all I can say," Oracle repeated. Emily thought it sounded a bit annoyed—as annoyed as turrets ever sounded, anyway. There was an air of "I just ended this conversation" about the little white robot.

"Well, I'll just have to keep trying, then!" Kenna concluded, unperturbed. "As Thomas Edison said, 'I have not failed. I've just found ten thousand ways that won't work'!"

_Had _Kenna actually tried to open plotholes in ten thousand different ways? Emily wouldn't have been surprised.

* * *

><p>"The Agents have requested that this class be cut short today for a special lecture session immediately following," GLaDOS commented through the screen on the wall as another student was sent soaring towards the beginning of the maze. "Therefore, while it is infinitely entertaining to watch you fly helplessly through the air, please proceed quickly and <em>accurately<em> through the doors."

Kikaito frowned at the two doors in front of him. The "maze" consisted of several open-top rooms in a straight line; the tricky part was that while one door out of the current room opened into the next room, the other activated an Aerial Faith Plate beneath the user's feet, forcing them to start all over again.

In the current room, the door on the left had the word "lose" written on it in small black letters, while the other read "loose." On the wall between the two was the sentence, "I hope that you do not [REDACTED] your way in the test chambers, as that will result in an unsatisfactory mark on your official testing record."

_Let's see, _the boy thought, adjusting his glasses nervously—he'd already had to start over once, after mixing up "affect" and "effect" (effect was the noun, as in something had a positive effect, while affect was the verb, as in something affected you), and he didn't want to make any stupid mistakes.

Though it was difficult to focus with the yellow-eyed AI leering down at you and constantly commenting on your progress…

"How unfortunate," the aforementioned AI sighed as another Aerial Faith Plate activated further on.

"I meant foul with a uuuuuuu…!" the student cried as she flew overhead.

"Then you should have selected that door, instead of the one referring to the egg-laying ornithoid," GLaDOS replied dryly.

"_Loose" is like "not tight," right? _Kikaito thought. _So it must be "lose"…_

He cautiously approached the door on the left, grasped the doorknob, and opened it. To his relief, he saw the next room in front of him—identical to the one he had just left, except the two doors read "accept" and "except."

Meanwhile, Sparkle had gotten in line behind Alice and Sophie, who were waiting to begin the maze again.

"Ornithoid?" she said, confused.

"She means a chicken," Sophie explained. "Foul is a stench, fowl is a bird."

"To ensure that the individual learning environment remains unaffected," GLaDOS's voice rang out above them, "please refrain from discussing solutions to maze compartments."

"I'm doomed," Alice moaned. "This is the fourth time I've restarted—I can't do this; I'm dyslexic!"

Sophie frowned, her eyes flickering towards GLaDOS's screen, but then she made a snap decision towards defiance and leaned forward to whisper in Alice's ear.

"Listen: 'choose' with two o's is present tense, but 'chose' is past—try sounding them out, they're different enough. Also 'duel' with an e is fighting but 'dual' with an a means two—that's what tripped me up, she wants 'duel.'"

Alice bit her lip. "Okay…thanks."

There was a yelp, and Bryce came crashing down next to them, jarred from the sudden flight even though his long fall boots had taken the impact of the landing.

"'Compliment' is saying something nice," he muttered. "That's with an i. So what's 'complement' with an e mean?"

"Oh, that means something goes with something else well," Sparkle provided the answer, to the other girls' surprise. "Like how a good pair of shoes can complement a pretty dress, but an orange jumpsuit doesn't complement _anything._"

"Neither discussing solutions to maze compartments nor insulting the standard Aperture Science test subject uniform will reflect positively on your official class record," GLaDOS pointed out. The students wisely shut up and refocused their attention on the maze.

* * *

><p>While it wasn't unusual for an Agent to be at a lesson—the students were certainly used to them popping up every now and then two weeks into the seminar, anyway—the appearance of both Agent Alix and Katz on the BC&amp;C stage set the students on-edge, and the grim looks on the duo's faces did not help.<p>

"So far in this class, you've learned the basics of the Portal canon, how that world and the characters in it function," Alix began, casting her authoritative gaze over her audience. "That is necessary for accurate Portal fanfiction. Today, however, we will begin to instruct you in the _creation _aspect of fanfiction—specifically character creation."

"Don't get too excited," Katz cut in. "You've still got a ways to go before you start writing your own characters. First, we have to talk about an unfortunate reality, a crime that many of you are guilty of: the creation of a Mary Sue."

"Oh, come on!" Daren exclaimed, standing up in the second row. "Here, and in Pairings class—you keep telling us what we _can't_ do! Don't pair them, don't write this…when are you going to tell us what we _can _do? When can we actually _do _something?"

Several students held their breaths and glanced around nervously for Frankenturrets, but to everyone's relief and surprise, Agent Alix simply laughed.

"Sit down, Mr. [Not insertine this here, thank you very much.]," she said, smoothly and improbably pronouncing the brackets and typo. The jean-clad agent grinned at her partner. "I've been wanting to say that for a _long _time!" she gloated. "Ever since he turned in his form…"

"We won't let you 'do something' yet, because you can't yet, and if you do before you can, what you do won't be any better than what you did when you couldn't," Agent Katz explained, ignoring her, "but you will be able to eventually, and then we will let you do."

At her feet, turrent chirped a question.

"Yes, that sentence _was _grammatically correct," Katz replied.

"Now that that's settled," said Alix, "back to the topic at hand. Today we are here to lecture on…" She flourished a hand dramatically, Chell hit a button on her computer, and the screen on the wall lit up, displaying a picture of a beautiful girl with dazzlingly-bright green eyes and purple highlights in her hair. Her body was lithe and slim, but her chest was disproportionately buxom for her skinny shape—and the students had a clear view of this, since she was wearing an Aperture Science test subject uniform—that is, if the Aperture uniform was incredibly low-cut, flattered all curves, featured high-heels, and most strikingly of all, was dyed hot pink. This girl was smiling winningly, surrounded by basically featureless people and robots, who although lacking in differentiating facial features were clearing fawning over her.

"…Mary Sues," Alix finished her declaration. "You see before you the typical Sue: gorgeous, more talented than anyone else, the center of everyone's attention, and above all, _perfect._" The Agent spat the last word as though it were a curse.

"A Mary Sue is a character that exists only to fulfill the wishes of the author, at the expense of the story she is in and the surrounding canon," Katz continued. "She, and by extension the author, stomps all over canon and bends the world to her will. If she wants something or, god help them, some_one,_ she gets it. All other characters are reduced to the sole purpose of adoring her. Anyone who does not adore the Mary Sue is portrayed unsympathetically. Mary Sue takes over the story, and if she needs something to change for her, it does—the personality and abilities of the characters, the features of the setting…even the clothes."

Alysen thought back to Princess Sunshine of the Ohio Tribe, from the fanfiction she had begun to write that got her sent to the school. There wasn't anything wrong with being good enough at test chambers that GLaDOS let her skip them, right? Skill was a good thing. And pink jumpsuits were _way _better than orange ones. Even GLaDOS had come to see that in her fanfic…

…but the canonical GLaDOS would _never _have done that, not even for Princess Sunshine, who was loved by everyone.

"Mary Sue doesn't have to be a girl," Alix added as Chell changed the picture on the screen to display a boy: shirtless, insanely buff and handsome, and equally-fawned-over. "This is Gary Stu, or Marty Sam, the male Mary Sue. Gender doesn't matter when it comes to Mary Sues; flawless and canon-breaking is flawless and canon-breaking."

"You're probably wondering what the big deal is, why Mary Sues are a problem." Katz crossed her arms. "Suefics are no fun to read. Mary and Gary get everything they want, without effort. It's boring. What makes a story interesting is conflict. A problem arises that the characters must deal with. And no, 'I'm so perfect it's a curse' is _not _a believable problem. No one comes into being perfect. Even Chell had to learn how to use a portal gun. Even GLaDOS underwent character development."

"A Suefic doesn't respect the canon at all," Alix said. "A Mary Sue in a Portal story doesn't want to tell a story about a character in Portal, she wants to show off how awesome she is at the expense of the Portal story. It's all about her. Or him."

"A good fanfiction writer—or any writer for that matter—has to be aware of their Sue-creation." Katz motioned to Chell, and the screen switched to a new slide, covered in text.

"Identifying a Mary Sue is like diagnosing an illness," Katz explained. "If your character has one or more of these symptoms, then they might be a Mary Sue. I hope you're taking notes."

_**Common Characteristics of a Mary Sue/Gary Stu**_

_-Starts the story with "Hi, my name is [insert name here] and I'm [physical description here]!"_

_-Overly long and complicated name, with unusual spellings or significant nouns inserted_

_-Unusual hair or eye color ("natural" highlights of an unnatural color, such as purple)_

_-Beauty is never tarnished—any scars, birthmarks, etc. are "cool," never unsightly_

_-Reader is CONSTANTLY reminded of her beauty and everyone's adoration of that beauty_

_-If a girl, slim and delicate, even if she ought to have muscles. If a boy, MUSCLES. BUFF. SHIRTLESS._

_-Outfit made for looks rather than practicality. Often very revealing._

_-Owns magic accessories or weapons—always cool and expensive, never break down or fail, always there when she needs them. Even if that object doesn't exist in the storyverse._

_-Either constantly brave and cheerful or constantly gloomy and depressed. Regardless, all other characters are drawn to her._

_-Extremely persuasive_

_-Incorruptible_

_-Her "flaws" are stubbornness and/or a bad temper. In-story, however, they are not used as flaws; Mary Sue is always right and her temper is only taken out on -people who deserve it_

_-The best at ANYTHING she does. Consequently always turning up with new abilities._

_-Offspring/sibling/long-lost cousin of canon character_

_-Established relationships and personalities will change for her._

_-Gets special treatment in-universe. Received unearned rewards, for her reputation or pure awesomeness_

_-She IS the story. Without her, there is no story._

* * *

><p>When Agent Katz returned to the staff room, she was immediately accosted by a very excited white-and-orange robot. P-body pressed something small and cube-shaped into her hands: the Rubik's cube, completely solved.<p>

"Great job!" Katz praised, turning the cube over in her hands, looking at all the solid-colored sides. "You figured this out in what, four, five days?" P-body nodded. "Sweet. I can't do it without the algorithms in front of me."

The Agent handed the cube back to the robot, and both jumped as Cave Johnson's voice rang out loudly over the intercom.

"Hey, you! Yes, you in the orange. All right, you've had your fun. Now put that back where you found it!"

P-body cringed and looked down at the Rubik's cube, murmuring guiltily.

"Just a coincidence," Katz assured her. "It's a random recording, and there're plenty of people in orange here. Still, you should probably put that back with Alix's stuff."

P-body replied with a positive lilt to her voice and hurried off across the room.

Katz turned around and sat on the floor next to turrent, frowning slightly.

"Okay, I _know _weird stuff happens at OFUs," she muttered to the Frankenturret. "Plot holes, transformations, Mary Sue invasions, et cetera, but this…"

The Freelance Agent shook her head. "Officially, it's a coincidence. No reason to alarm the poor 'bot. Unofficially… I'm going to get to the bottom of this. Somehow."

* * *

><p><strong>Hello, readers!<strong>

**It's summer again, and so we return to the summer seminar...nine months later. Only about four days have passed in-story though! *sheepish grin***


	13. DISCONTINUED

Dear readers,

Official University ASFES has been discontinued. To those of you who have followed and enjoyed until this point, thank you so much, and I'm sorry to say good-bye. Your lovely reviews brought many smiles to my and Alix's faces and were very much appreciated. But I believe that this is the right thing to do.

I just finished my first year of college, where I am pursuing (among other things) an English major with a focus in creative writing. At my university, I've been exposed to a greater writing community. I've read works written by and have had my works read by people of all levels of skill and experience and of all kinds of writing styles and preferences. I've submitted short stories and essays to magazines (with one successful acceptance so far) and, more importantly, I've sat on a reading team for a magazine, where I learned about the critiquing and publishing process firsthand. And, after this experience, I've realized something:

Writing is a constant process of learning. It is an eternally-repeated process of creating, sharing, taking critique, and editing. I thought I knew this before I decided to start an OFU, but now I know that I didn't really know it at all. Frankly, when I pitched the idea of ASFES to Alix, I thought I was a better than I actually was (though I'm not humble enough to deny that I'm pretty good).

But that's not a completely accurate sentence. The truth is that good writing is subjective. There's no such thing as a bad idea, though there are always better ways of executing those ideas. I'd intended to get to the "how to's" of good writing eventually in ASFES, instead of just harping on the "thou shalt nots", but I didn't. And I doubt that I could have done such topics justice back then. I might be more capable now, but I'm not going to try, because it's none of my business.

It's not right for me to tell anyone that something they want to write is bad or to lay out the rules for "good" writing. Any such rules are subject to my own bias and personal preferences, even if I think I'm being an objective teacher and critic. That was nothing but a conceited, self-righteous delusion. Being asked for comments and helpful critique is one thing, but shoving it in people's faces or thinking that someone else needs or should want your comments is just plain wrong.

While I was on the reading team for that magazine, I heard perfectly nice, intelligent people brutally tear apart stories and essays because they were "from a boring genre" or "too predictable" or "didn't end the way I thought it should". These assessments, loaded with bias and completely ignoring the quality of the works themselves, angered me. And when I realized that a lot of ASFES is me making statements like the ones I found so unfair, I was ashamed. I _am_ ashamed. And I am truly very sorry.

Y'all should write what you want. Write what you're inspired to write. Write what you find interesting. Write for an audience, write for yourself, write the story that you've always wanted to read. Have fun, or be serious, or maybe do both at once. It _is_ possible to have fun and be serious at the same time. I tried to do that with ASFES. I failed.

We all fail at writing, hundreds if not thousands or millions of times. But as long as you don't stop, as long as you keep trying, you will never _completely _fail. Your writing will always improve, as long as you keep writing.

That, I believe, is the only true rule of writing: Keep writing. Don't give up.

You've never written anything before? Write something. You have a sentence? Expand it into a first draft. You have a first draft? Edit it. You've edited? Get someone to look at it for you, and maybe take some of their critique (but not all of it—they are just as fallible a human as you are, as any of us are). Then edit again. Stuck on one idea? Take on another. There's no such thing as having too many writing projects at once.

As long as you don't give up, you have not failed.

I'm not going to delete ASFES, because I don't believe in deleting old writing. Some of you enjoyed this story, and so it should remain available to you. It should also continue to exist as a reminder to me about how I used to be, and how far I've grown since then, both as a writer and as a person in general.

To those of you who were offended in any way by any part of ASFES: I'm sorry, and I hope you can forgive me.

Yours,

Katz


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